Just Livin' That Dream

lessons for my boy.

2011-10-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

I've found myself thinking about being a parent quite a bit since I've been with child and all. I thought maybe I'd write a few of things down that I hope to teach my boy someday. This could come in a few installments. And might not matter to any of you, but golly it's my blog so I get to do whatever I want. :)

1. The world might try to convince you that cynicism is normal and just a way of life and that you're naive if you're anything but cynical. It's not and you're not. There's all kinds of hope in life to find.

2. You don't need an iPhone. Or an iPad. or an iPod. or an iMac. But if you do get one, remember what a blessing it is to have such nice things.

3. Loving people well will inevitably separate you from a majority of your friends. But don't stifle the goodness you have to offer the world. Your joy will be much greater in life if you care for people.

4. Watch your dad. He's more of man than most "manly men" will ever be.

5. Work hard doing whatever you do and do it the best you know how. A simple work ethic speaks volumes. And gets promotions.

6. Turn the water off when you brush your teeth, for goodness sake. You should see how far African children have to walk to get their water. Be respectful of the incredible resources we have in America.

7. You'll learn sarcasm from your mother. Use it sparingly.

8. You will likely grow up in a world of "church" that looks very different from what your parents grew up in. I hope you learn to value what it means to bring the good news of Jesus to everyone in your life. I hope you see it modeled in us.

9. Make friends. Simple enough really. But sometimes it's easier to not have friends than it is to maintain relationships. Deep friendships bring about some of the most bountiful blessings. It's worth the effort.

10. You will be silly. I feel it is certain. You will learn most of that from your father. Embrace that. It's what people will love about you.

With love and hope,
your mother

(Sorry if that took things to a weird level for everyone. It's the metamorphosis of motherhood! )

our wait.

2011-10-16T13:21:00.001-07:00

You might recall a while back when I wrote this entry about waiting. It was nearly one year ago that the Lord began to saturate my world with the charge to wait. Wait, for what, we weren't sure. At the time, our life seemed to really be caving in. Ryan and I weren't getting along, his work situation was getting increasingly difficult and the plans we had sort of made for our life weren't really connecting the way we saw them going when we got married in 2007. You'll recall that I wasn't super enthused about this "waiting" because it really didn't feel like an answer. In some ways it felt like prolonged despair. However, we were hopeful and certain that our waiting would be a testament of faith and I guess what I want to share with you now is how, indeed, the Lord is faithful.

Shortly after I shared that post in November we really felt like things were getting better. We had started to really immerse ourselves in our church community. We found ourselves in more leader-type roles pretty quickly and realized that this movement that we were a part of was really more of a lifestyle than an activity. This felt like good progress. It wasn't a solution to Ryan's career, but it was an indication that there was hope to be a part of something that was greater than our world and a place that we could put energy into something Kingdom worthy rather than worldly gratifying.

Ryan had also started to pursuit the idea of finding different employment and by the first of the year had a couple of interviews lined up. Neither of those came to fruition. That was confusing and disappointing because it seemed like such a great thing at the time to even find a great place that was hiring and that really loved Ryan, but something just didn't sit will with him and he ended up not taking those positions. In the meantime, things had seemed to improve at his current spot and we were grateful for that.

As we've looked back on it now, we're realizing that in the early months of this year we had figured our wait was over. That our answer was our community. Ryan's job hadn't really gotten much better, but we assumed that the end of the wait was finding ourselves as a bigger part of this community and just managing the frustrations of the other stuff. Even just writing that out makes me realize how small I can make God sometimes.

Months passed from the time I decided that the whole "waiting" thing was all said and done to the time that it, well, wasn't. Till right now. Truthfully, I didn't even think about it that much. There was a baby to think about and my own job. And then everything exploded. Literally. Bombs. Okay, not literally. But in the figurative life-sense, things exploded. All at once on a day and at a time in life that we truly had no intention or idea that things would change - they did. In three days, Ryan left his job without having any plans set-up for the next step. Visions of my life as a mother working 3 jobs to make ends meet after we sell our home and all of our possessions while Ryan found a job at the local 7-eleven and we eat fried bologna for dinner flashed through my mind. (What a life, huh?) While I would have persevered through a lifestyle like that (and have great admiration for those whose reality that is), that's not where we ended up. Instead in one week Ryan called every connection he had and set-up meetings with them. Suddenly, he was getting offers to work freelance jobs for some quick cash almost everyday which paid for the time he was unemployed almost entirely. And at the end of his first week of leaving his job he had a pretty certain offer on the table for a position that didn't even exist until recent months by a company who loves Jesus.

Ryan started his new job on October 1. He works for a company who is really, really excited about getting behind the things that we're trying to do in our community. They pursued him. And they truly like and appreciate who he is. You should see the way the God of all hope and peace has grown the heart of my husband. And you should see how happy he is. It's a little overwhelming to think about. Overwhelming and really beautiful.

My humanity often gets in the way of God's extravagance. I don't think I'm gonna say that our wait is over because the Lord's blessings never cease and my expectancy to see Him move should really never wane. Waiting doesn't always have to be uncomfortable. It can be hopeful excitement. Should be, perhaps.

We have a little expression in our community after we tell a story like this and it's, "He can do the same for you too." So. This is my story and God can do the same for you too. Just wait.

hello, again.

2011-08-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

I think I have officially lost my title as "blogger" with an apparent 8 month absence. How on earth 8 months have passed since my last entry is just an unsolvable mystery to me. Why does time change when you become an adult? We'll never know.

Hello friends. Or perhaps you've all moved on. Regardless. Hello. So many new adventures have begun in life for most of the world since December. New jobs, new babies, new homes, new cities. I think I've spent most of this current year marveling in the journey of The Corks. I'm sure I've expressed this before, but I am truly amazed at the Lord's provisions in our life from the beginning of our marriage in 2007. From heartbroken to healed. And now so blessed with a community that loves us and a baby on the way that will grow up in our cute little home. I can hardly believe it. I can say with 100% truth that in the summer of 2008 I would have told you that the feelings of wholeness and joy that I feel now were impossible and unattainable. Praise the Lord this was false.

What's more in this world of constant change is that this week Ryan and I made the difficult decision to leave his job. With the baby due to arrive in early February this is a little bit of a scary scenario, but we both feel a profound sense of rightness that we're trusting is God at work in really beautiful ways. I'm learning the truth that God is always good. And He always wants good for us. So rather than dwelling on the possible (and perhaps likely?) negative outcomes that might come from a move like this I'm clinging to the hope that God is always good. I'm reading a book right now called One Thousand Gifts (thanks, mom) and there's a chapter that talks about how Hagar forgot about the well God had shown her before and nearly died before remembering that the well was there. God always provides the well. The well is always there, the author reminds me. So my eyes are focused on the well in front of me. The one full of the hope of the future and the goodness of God. The one that doesn't allow us to go thirsty.

Maybe you'd want to just pray with us as we search for work? And as we prepare for this little guy? And in the end we'll add it to our storybook. The one about how God provides. What a great story we have to tell. It's the good news, really, our story. So we'll tell it for a lifetime and give God all the glory. I think that's a fine idea.

my name.

2010-12-24T14:09:00.000-08:00

I have a favorite Christmas song. Well. I have many favorites. But in particular I have one that I could say is a favorite of the favorites. This is remarkable for me because I don't claim to possess the decisive qualities which are essential in picking favorites. But alas, I have come to a decision.

It's called Joseph's Lullaby. And boy, let me tell ya, this song gets me. Every. Single. Time. But recently I've discovered and even greater love for this song. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago Ryan's sister had a little, tiny baby boy. I love babies at Christmas time. I love babies all the time, really, but Christmas time is such a wonderful time for a baby to be born, I think. Shortly after our nephew was born we were spending some time with him. I was holding him watching his every little move. So dependent on his parents. But so full of life and hope of things to come. And in those moments I found myself so swept away that Jesus was a baby. A wiggly little squishy baby. And Mary held him so close. Looked into his sweet face and knew the hope of every nation was wrapped up in her son. Can you imagine?? Gah. Just blows me away.

I guess what gets me about babies and Christmas is that it's such an incredible reminder of how human Jesus was. That He came as a baby, dependent on his parents for life and grew into a man that changed the world. I'm so thankful for that tiny baby - Emmanuel. God, with us

But back to the song. We were driving home from that time spent with Tobin (my nephew) and I was thinking about this song and how much more I was loving it after spending time with him. So we just went ahead and listened to it. And at the end there's a line that says, "Oh, my Jesus, sleep tight". Generally, when Jesus' name is used in songs it's more of a proclamation. A cry out to him, you know? But it just got me in this song that it wasn't a praise to a distant man. It was a father speaking his son's name as he held his brand new baby. Oh, my Jesus, sleep tight. There's just nothing more powerful than your name whispered from the mouth of someone that loves you. And I mean really loves you. You know in that moment that you're worth something. That out of a crowd someone picks you out.

The best part is that hearing Joseph, Jesus' father, speak his son's name is really beautiful. But it's also a really, really beautiful example of how The Father speaks our names. And loves us even deeper than a mother and father.

It's been a year full of unexpected circumstances. And saying I'm thankful doesn't even come close to being adequate, but I'm so thankful the God of hope knows my name.

Merry, merry Christmas to each of you.

Check that song out here.

wait.

2010-11-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

There are days when life feels long. Seasons, more like. When the road ahead seems very, very uncertain and every obstacle that could be on that road is. If I'm being honest with you, and I'd like to be, that has been our season. It's a rough season to be in.

There have, of course, been similar ones like this in my life. But for some reason this one just really grabbed my soul. It interfered with my marriage. It turned my emotional well-being upside down. And for a while I was angry. Quite angry, I think. The details are fairly unnecessary, but the basics of it are that Ryan and I found ourselves dealing with some circumstances that we didn't see coming 2.5 years ago when we uprooted our lives to move across the country. The worst part of it was not knowing what the next step was/is. So much uncertainty. And I don't know about you, but uncertainty of things to come is one of those things that makes my stomach do a flop. It makes me hold my breath. And one can only survive so long before taking another breath.

Several weeks ago (months maybe) this word began to fall on my heart. This word, wait. Over and over the word of waiting kept creeping it's way into my heart. And then life started to really crash in on us and there was this word. This silly word. I didn't like it much at the get go. Wait? What a terribly non reassuring word. I can't think of much that waiting is associated with positively. And in lieu of our situation it seemed like the last thing I wanted to do. But there it was.

As I began to look into this idea of waiting and really as the idea of it seemed to just come at me without much help at all, the beauty of waiting was made clear. So many people from the Bible waited on the Lord. And so many people were blessed beyond measure. The Lord is so faithful to me. Waiting feels like my testament of faithfulness to Him. So I wait in confidence. Not tapping my toe or straining my neck to see what's ahead of me, but waiting on what the Lord has in store with assurance that He will provide. He always does. I can't say it's easy. Or natural. But I'm doin' it. Because how many times has He waited for me?

In true Jesus style, we have been so immeasurably blessed throughout this crazy time of life. We were surrounded by true, dear friends in prayer. We were hugged and loved. And Ryan and I have taken huge steps as a married couple. Learning to be supporters of each other. Pushed to be vulnerable and open with each other. And mostly just seeking the Lord together.

We don't know what's next for us, but we will wait on the Lord and we will wait in confidence. There is beauty in waiting. Beauty indeed.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:5

Together.

2010-10-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

I wanna tell you about my church.

It's no secret that in a world where information and opinions are readily available and frequently exchanged church has evolved into many things. I know the issue is pretty touchy. And it's not really the point or anything close to what I care to talk about. I just want to say that I was a part of something within a community of believers this month that I believe is one of the purest glimpses into Church that I've seen.

We've been on this path to Covenant. Essentially, in the last month we've focused on what it means to commit to a body. Not an organization. Not a system of beliefs. But to each other and to the Lord. We committed to being disciples and growing disciples of each other. And it ended with a night of community where we all came together and we made the commitment. Together.

I guess that was the thing of it all. As I watched and participated in giving the next year of life wholeheartedly to pursuing the Jesus who never turned away, I watched people do it together. Sure there were some who made the decision by themselves, finding a quiet place to contemplate the decision. But mostly people were finding the friends they do life with and making the covenant in unison. Taking communion, stacking their rocks, and praying with one another in faith that the Lord will never leave us. That as we seek Him He will teach us to love and live like Him.

It just feels good to see people gravitating towards one another rather than away. It feels really.... God-filled. And I'm so excited to see the things in store for us.

misery.

2010-08-13T21:44:00.001-07:00

I'm tried of misery. Isn't it just everywhere you look these days? It sure feels that way to me. It's been happening for a while now, but lately it's dawned on me that it's a habit for people. When did this start becoming acceptable behavior? And who decided it felt good to make sure everyone else around you is miserable? What a silly idea. What a silly, terrible idea. Here's what I mean:

"I'm Engaged!"
misery-bringer: "Oh congratulations. Get ready for the worst time of your life."
"I got a job!"
misery-bringer: "Well kiss your free time goodbye."
"I'm pregnant!"
misery-bringer: "Your body will never be the same."
"Baby!"
misery-bringer: "You better get ready to never sleep ever again in your whole entire life ever. Never."

Now. The baby scenarios are strictly hypothetical. Don't go getting any ideas. But c'mon!!! Haven't you all heard those responses a million times? And doesn't it just feel like a kick in the knees? Facebook has probably been the biggest offender of these cases because people just say whatever they gosh darn please in that world, but I just don't understand.

What if that just never happened? What if every time someone announced that they were getting married everyone around them responded with, "How wonderful. If you ever feel like you're too stressed out give me a call, I'd love to chat!" Or a pregnancy. "We'll be so excited to watch and help this little guy grow!" Wouldn't that just empower people to be better? To go into these huge milestones knowing that even if it gets really hard it will be okay because the world is on their side? I'd even venture to guess that there would be more successful marriages. More healthy, well-rounded kids. And a whole heck of a lot more community in life.

I know that somewhere along the way someone decided that if everyone else felt their agony then they wouldn't feel so miserable. But if you ask me, we should know better by now. We should snap out of it and learn to be bigger than our small situations.

That was a rant. I know. But I just couldn't hold it in any longer. It's as much for me as anyone. I want to be better at looking someone in the eyes and making sure they know they're loved and supported. Seems like a much more productive habit than misery.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

coming home.

2010-05-24T20:18:00.001-07:00

As many of you know and as I mentioned last time, Ryan and I are homeowners now! We bought our first house in March and have been busy, busy, busy making it our own. It feels so good. So adult. And isn't she a beauty?

Needless to say, life has changed quite a bit since we've moved in. Readjusting to new commutes, finding new grocery stores and meeting the neighbors. We're really settling in to our new community pretty well. And I just can't help feeling so blessed.

In the last 2 years "home" has changed a lot for me - as you may well know - and this house represents some pretty remarkable accomplishments in my life this far. 2 years ago I was heart broken. I left the only home I've ever really known where my family and some of the most dearest, sweetest people I grew up with were and moved to a place where no one had any idea who I was. I can recall laying in bed with a very heavy, deep ache in my heart wondering if I'd ever find joy again. For that part of life, home was in our apartment in Overland Park. And eventually that was okay. We made some really wonderful memories there as a newlywed couple.

And here we are now. In a new home. A home that will likely be the place we bring our first child to. Where we'll hang our first Christmas lights up on. And where we hope lots of people come to find love and community.

There is beauty in this transition for me.

I will say this a thousand times. God has provided. God does provide. It's not that He provided this house. It's that He provided a light to my path. That in my loneliest days He reached down and brought me the hope of things to come and the joy of the home I will always, always have in Nampa, Idaho.

My cup is overflowing.

a word on fear. again.

2010-04-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

A two month blog absence? That hardly seems possible. I really do enjoy writing on my blog, but I will admit that it gets bumped down on my list of priorities fairly quickly. Truth be told, I'm a homeowner now! And I've got homeowner business to attend to! Nevertheless. I will blog-on.

You might be curious about some Lent follow-up. So. I'll tell ya. I've thought about how to put this into words that sound really great, but every time I sit down to do so all I can come up with are pretty ordinary sounding ones. So ordinary it is.

I gave up fear arrogantly. I thought my very act of sacrifice and intentional focus on God's protection and reign over my life would solve all my troubles. What I didn't consider was the underlying issue. I didn't consider that my Lenten plan, maybe wasn't the same one the Lord had in mind. He knows my heart so much better than I do. Haven't I figured that out by now?

In my journey past fear I found disbelief. I found myself doubting that God would protect me at all. My life's experience has shown me that things just happen sometimes. Death, hurt, depression. Happens to everyone. I'm not exempt. I felt conflicted that just because I called out to God he would swoop in and save me from danger. Why would He do that for me? Who am I to be saved?

As with many things in life, I had to make a decision. Just like following Christ and believing that He is Truth is a choice, a decision -- so is believing that He called us to not be afraid and living a life that embraces those words. The beauty of these last couple of weeks has been that I have been so incredibly busy that I haven't even had time to be afraid! That may sound silly, but it's true. I've come to realize that spending too much time dormant and stuck inside my tiny little home allows for a lot of time to become paranoid and think up crazy scenarios that are highly unlikely to play out. God did indeed create us to be active members of society. And it has been such a blessing to be busy and exhausted the last month.

Do I still get afraid when I shower? Yes. Do I jump at noises downstairs in the night? Yes. But I do believe that the Lord is with me. That whatever comes I will endure because He is faithful. He is my provider. If I believe that in all other circumstances, then it is true even in my fear.

lent.

2010-02-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

Oh draw me Lord

And I'll run after You

I'm inspired by music quite a bit. This occasion is no exception. As I'm sure you're all aware, the Lenten season has begun. To be honest, I forgot about Lent this year. It just sorta snuck up on me, but since I remembered I have been having a tough time knowing what to focus on. Last year's sacrifice was so meaningful to me (see it here) and coming up with something equally as moving has felt a little out of reach.

Today I found it. Through a suggestion by my own mother (and you think I don't hear you sometimes....). After explaining her own focus this year she offered that mine might be giving up fear. A novel concept blogged about by myself just two posts below. Why didn't I think of it? Well. I didn't. But sometimes we just don't come up with the great ideas by ourselves. So this year my Lenten sacrifice is fear. And in its place I'll look to the Lord. Hold tight to His security.

But back to the music. Tonight I was hopping in the shower and I was afraid. Ryan isn't home and taking showers while he is gone is one of my most vulnerable points of fear. I can't see. I can't hear. I don't like it. But I have this system. I know exactly what doors to keep open and what lights to keep on so I have a good visual if I need to. I know that if I look in the reflection of the shower tile I can see the bathroom door. And I usually keep the shower curtain open just as an extra precaution. Isn't all that so silly? You're all laughing at me, aren't you? I know. I know. But tonight I had that all lined up and then I remembered the conversation with my mom and I decided to not be afraid.

Oh draw me Lord

And I'll run after You

That's the song I listened to. Draw me Lord and I'll run after you. Even if where you go is scary. Even if where you are is uncomfortable. Just draw me to You. Pretty powerful words. I'd say. And while singing these words didn't eliminate my fear, they did give me hope that I will live unafraid one day.

As I look to Him for strength and peace I trust that He is drawing me near. And i will always run after Him. Always.

for haiti.

2010-01-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

Haiti has obviously been in the hearts and minds of most these last couple of weeks. The needs are great and our ability to help is fairly limited. Such a devastating time. So, with that in our hearts, we were able to do something really cool on Sunday that I've never done before. We worshipped on Haiti's behalf.

We sang for the people that were too weak to speak.

We praised the Lord for the people who survived.

We shouted for the people whose despair is so deep.

And I gotta tell ya. It was powerful. At first, it seemed a little foreign. Maybe cheesy or something. But as the service went on it felt really right. You know? Like the Lord heard us. As I thought about each of the people affected by the earthquake I thought about how their state of mind probably wasn't in a place to be singing songs in worship to God, but ours is. And how amazing is it that as fellow creations of Him we can lift each other up, be strong when others are weak? The beauty of life on this earth is that we're not alone. So we just sang. All night long. We sang for Haiti.

He loves them

Oh how he loves them

Oh how he loves

Maybe I could encourage you to do the same. See what it stirs in your heart as the words you sing in worship are for the suffering.

fear not.

2010-01-15T17:40:00.000-08:00

I aspire to be great in my life. But great how, I wonder? From the moment I could understand the concept of having purpose I knew that my life could be meaningful, influential in some way. I know that I'm strong. That I have a heart for justice. For peace. But what's it for?

Perhaps the real issue is not what it is I'm supposed to be doing, but what is standing in the way of me getting anywhere. In the last few months it has become evident that the biggest thing keeping my head from even thinking about changing the world is fear. I live a fearful life. And it kills me. I'm a little embarrassed to even say it. Some where along the way I've taught myself to be afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of consequences. Afraid of death. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of rejection.

Greatness certainly does not come from fear.

I wish this was one of those things that could be solved with an epiphany. A simple, A-ha! moment. But this is a way of life I've settled myself in and it's going to take some time to dig out. Time well spent, I think. The fearful life has crippled me. It's taught me to think I'm incapable or that my hopes of changing the world are out of reach. False. I will change the world. Fear will not win.

Christmas was such a great reminder of God's call to not be afraid. How many times have we heard the story? The phrase? To Mary before she conceives. To the shepherds in their fields. "Do not be afraid." In a boat amidst a storm. To a mother asking for her daughter's healing. The Bible tells us time and time again how Jesus wanted no part in fear. Then to be home with my family. To see my parents giving so much of their time and resources to bring light and hope wherever they can. To be around my sister who, in my mind, knows no fear. She's the picture of courage to me. I love her. I love all of them. Good, good people. And such remarkable examples of living unafraid. How must fear be keeping me from the deep, deep peace of life lived in the unwavering courage of the Lord? I know it is. I feel it. I fight it.

These days I'm praying for courage. Praying that the Lord throws something our way that is totally unexpected and uncomfortable and that we see it as step past fear. It is not that I live a life cowering in the corner. No, this fear is more of a nagging in the back of my mind. An excuse to not do as much as I could, to not be as vulnerable. And I won't have it. I won't listen to the world telling me to be careful. To watch out for the latest scare. Scare me world! I'm not afraid! ... hmm too much, maybe? Nah.

Dear Fear, I'm planning on changing the world for the Lord so just go ahead and move along. Thanks.

just do it.

2009-10-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if the person you perceive yourself as is the same person the world sees you as? Like, do you have ideas about the way you feel towards humanity, but then wonder if anyone else could point that out about you? I do.

I was sitting in my car the other day and a song came on the radio that caught my attention. I wasn't feeling particularly insightful or contemplative at the moment, but all of a sudden I was really struck by the words of this song. The song talked about following God into the darkness and to the broken. I'll be honest that when I first heard the words I thought, "Yeah, that's how it should be. That's how I am." Arrogant, right? I'm sure the "authentic Christian" would probably tell you how they were immediately aware of their inadequacies, but there I was thinking how I was just like this song was saying - always helping and loving people. That those ideals are my ideals.

But then I thought, what if no one else knows that? As I sat there I thought about who I am to other people and what in my actions may tell people that I'm gung-ho about following Jesus into the darkness. Couldn't think of anything. It's true that following Christ through life and bringing hope to the most hopeless places is a deep desire of my heart, but the truth is I haven't done much about that. I haven't jumped at the first chance to spend time doing something that tells another person that they are so loved by The One Most Dear. I haven't even jumped at the second chance. Or third. I've actually been pretty good at letting the music do that for me. Like, as long as I'm singing it it's the truth!

Singing along with the song just doesn't cut it. That's the thing. Life is certainly full of transitional phases and one of those is from college to adulthood. I might argue that the 4 years of college plus two extra years proceeding are just one big transition, but certainly finding a way to settle into a life completely void of class schedules, organized chapels, and prepared meals takes some time. And so here I am in that post-college life making all kinds of excuses why I haven't taken time to contribute to the life of someone in a hopeless situation. I want to be done making excuses about that. I want to commit. We've been doing all kinds of church hopping in the last several months, but have finally decided to land at one and do everything in our power to involve ourselves in their community. I'm so afraid to take the dive sometimes, you know? I think about my parents as this age and realize that they were these great leaders in their small church in their first years of marriage. But I'm realizing now that I just have to do it. Just do it. Like Nike.

So we're going to a church called The Gathering. And it's exciting. And it's new. And we're praying like crazy that the Lord brings us some joy in the much needed form of friends. We've decided that we're not gonna sit on the back row and see what we think, but we're going to dive right in and start participating in some of the great things they're doing for the community. It's so simple. But then, most things are. It just takes a while for us silly ol' human beings to figure it out sometimes.

Sorry for the long blog and the long blog absence! Happy fall!!

contribution.

2009-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

I'm such a bad blogger! It's been so long since I've last posted. I'm very sorry about that. But it's hard to write when I'm not feeling very inspired. And you don't want to just hear a bunch of my ramblings because let me tell you they are not very amusing. But seriously, hey. How are ya?

So much has happened in my life in the last month and a half. It's sort of hard to believe! I'm sure most of you know already, but I'll share anyway. As a graphic design major I was required to complete an internship and I found one at a design firm downtown Kansas City called The Collaboration. Really, I had a hard time finding anyplace that would take me or that was even hiring in this tough economy so I landed here sort of as a last resort and pretty randomly. I was doing some outrageously tedious work called COBing (literally, cutting out background) of very expensive jewelry. Anyway, when I had completed my required hours one of my bosses called me in and offered me a job as a part-time employee! Who knew?? It completely caught me off guard, but I totally accepted and now I'm an official employee of a really great firm. I've been working crazy amounts of overtime in the last few weeks working on a big project. Thus, my lack of blogging. Truly though, this job has been an incredible blessing. Remember how I talked a while ago about how God always provides. Well. He does. He did. He is. Financially, this job could not have come at a more needed time for Ryan and I. Praise the Lord for that!

Part of what I've learned already from this job and from a couple of other encounters is that a part of my soul is being nourished in a way that it hasn't been in a really long time. I'm meaningfully contributing to people's lives. I have had the really blessed opportunity to have some good conversations with friends about life and love and living. Those are things I live for. Being able to share my life in ways that help people know that whatever they're experiencing now isn't the end of the road. I suppose I've been at such a desolate place in my own heart that reaching out to others hasn't been on the top of my to-do list, but finally coming out on the other side of that has allowed me to be... me. The me I'm used to having around at least. And even thought these conversations I've had meant a lot to the other person they also put a piece of my heart back together I guess. I say this like I knew it all along. I didn't. I didn't know until I felt that hint of restoration that these meaningful contributions were some of the very fibers that kept my quality of life in tact. That keep my heart pumping. It just feels good to share and confide and relate with someone. I don't think that is an accident.

I love to know that I'm still learning. I would be scared to think I'd gotten it all down. I say it a lot, but I'll say it again: the Lord is faithful. A constant. A comfort. And I couldn't do a darn thing without Him.

my life according to copeland.

2009-08-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

This was on my friend Jolleen's blog. Looked like fun so I thought I'd give it a try. She used the band Eisley (who I am also a huge fan of). I chose Copeland - one of my dependable favorites.

The goal:

Use only the titles of songs of ONE ARTIST or BAND and cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat songs.

Describe yourself:

I'm a Sucker For A Kind Word

How do you feel:

Hold Nothing Back

Describe where you live:

Where's My Head

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

Another Day in Paradise

Your favorite form of transportation:

Kite

Your best friend is:

There Cannot Be a Close Second

You and your best friends are:

The Brightest

What's the weather like:

Careful Now

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:

You Have My Attention

What is life to you:

Testing the Strong Ones

Your greatest fear:

No One Really Wins

What is the best advice you have to give:

Take Care

Thought for the Day:

Choose the One Who Loves You More

How I would like to die:

Sleep

My soul's present condition:

Coming Around Again

My motto:

Love is a Fast Song

Well, there you go!

power to the people.

2009-08-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

Blogging, I'm sure, is most effective when the topic presented is as fresh on a person's mind as possible. This literally just happened to me. Therefore, I must blog. I just had a completely bi-polar sequence of events transpire. Let me expand.

After dropping Ryan off at work after dinner so he could finish up some things I decided to drop by Barnes and Noble to see if I could use up what was left of a gift card I have burning a hole in my pocket. I, like many, could literally spend hours in this store. It's overwhelming. I feel like my brain is on total overload when I'm there. I want to look at every book cover.... So pretty. I want to design these book covers. I want to be this good. I'm better than some of them. I love the way the pages feel. Then it's, what kind of book would be best to spend a gift card on? Look at this novel! It's probably good. What if it's not? A cookbook! This looks like good food. I don't think I'd cook half of this food. I need more pictures. I'll never have those ingredients in my home. A whole book on soup? 30 minute meals? Gourmet chef? Then needing some stability I go back to the stationery. I love the way the cards look. I want to own every journal. I should journal more. I want to design cards. Ahhh... peace.

My conclusion at the end of my Barnes and Noble experience (at which I left empty-handed) was that I felt so empowered! Don't you love to feel empowered? I do. It's the same feeling I get when I go to a craft or fabric store. I see all of these things that can be combined to create millions of awesome things and I want to do it all! I want to build and create and sew. I can, you know? It's just an empty afternoon away. Then I go to B & N and I remember how much I enjoy reading and want to read my life away! I want to teach myself and be enlightened about so many things. Even leaving empty handed I was not left feeling lacking. I felt empowered! I was probably actually smiling as I left. I was ready to change the world.

Perhaps, I knowingly chose to go to Barnes and Noble because I knew I was headed to Wal-Mart afterwards for a few things. It's hard to say really, but at Wal-Mart I ended up and boy was it a zoo. Wal-mart is the opposite of Barnes and Noble. It does not leave you feeling empowered. In fact, more times than not it leaves you feeling very, very defeated. Now. I love school supplies. Buy me a new pen and I'm as happy as a clam. However, I do not love back to school shopping. I made the regrettable mistake of entering the Back to School section and I nearly lost my life to several flying binders, runaway carts, and tiny children obscuring the walkway. What was I even doing there?! I don't need school supplies right now? It's 9:30 on a monday night! Go home! Quickly after this realization I exited the area and continued on to what I was there to do in the first place. I grabbed what I needed and needlessly lingered a little more looking at things I didn't need (but had coupons for!). Of course, my entire journey conveniently matched up with another families shopping trip in which all 9 of their under 8 year old children were running amuck in the aisles playing guns and touching every thing they could screaming, "Mommy I need this! Mommy!!" At this point, I'm laughing. Probably out loud. Because I'm thinking about Ryan and how if he were there at that moment he would be out of his mind infuriated. His lips would be pursed, his arms would be crossed and he would be hardly saying a word for fear that he lash out at the innocent children (and nobody wants that). Anyway, I headed to the checkout to save what was left of my previously peaceful evening.

But wait. Here's where it just all comes together. There I am in the 10 items or less line holding a bit more than I can comfortably hold plus a half gallon of milk that is getting awfully cold on my arm. Finally, I make it to a piece of the counter so I can set some things down. And then it's my turn. And right at that second, after waiting at least 10 minutes in line I realize I have left my wallet in the car. That's right. I tell the girl nevermind, she says she'll hold the things if I'd like, I say okay I'll be right back and out I go. Unbelievable. But I gotta say, God bless that cashier. After returning she rang me up and reminded me that I was holding coupons earlier. And then, of course, one of the coupons said I needed two of the items, not one, to get the discount. The blessed girl just rang me up for two and let me go grab one on my way out.

SO. You can see the emotional roller coaster I've just been through. Can't you? Nevertheless, God bless that Wal-mart cashier. She wasn't even mad at me. And I wasn't even mad at Wal-mart. I'm still on an empowered high!

Hope you find something to empower you this week. Probably wise to steer clear of Wal-mart afterward though.

justified.

2009-08-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

My what an incredibly busy month of July! Seems like a whirlwind! I got to see my wonderful sister and her darling son for a whole week. Then the week after that my best friend Jordan and his girlfriend Rebecca came to visit, which was so fun to be able to show them around. After that my mom came to help with the wedding and at the end of that week my lovely, lovely sister-in-law got married! I can't even believe all of that was crammed into one month! All of that to say that blogging was shifted down the list of priorities, but never fear... here I am again

I've been thinking about justification. How we all do it or we cause others to do it. How it's really this vicious cycle of proving yourself. How it can be really hurtful. And really demeaning. And how I don't want to have any part of it.

Now, probably not all justification is bad, but the kind I'm talking about are those situations where your small ways of life feel threatened and you begin defending and explaining it to another person as a way to say that what you're doing is not, in fact, as this person says it is. Do you know what I mean? I found myself in more than one of these situations recently and after it was all said and done I was left feeling really discouraged with my insides sort of upside down. Why do people feel like that need to say things in a way that make other people feel like they're wrong? And why do I feel like I need to defend that stuff? It's probably a bit of a testimony to my insecurities, but it's also just annoying. I wish I were strong enough to just say, I do what I do man. Sometimes I am, but recently I guess I haven't been. (To be clear I'm talking about things like, "Why would you ever put blue mirrors on a brown wall?" to which I reply, "Well... uhh... I dunno.. I like blue.. I thought it looked nice?").

It's a funny thing moving to a brand new place. It disorients you in a lot of ways. I left Nampa feeling fairly confident in knowing who I was and where my place in the world was. There was really nothing to fear. That was the life I had made for myself because for too many years in the past I felt lonely, unlovable, and inadequate. And finding my place in Nampa wasn't just a coping mechanism or a lie to hide my insecurity -- I did find who I was. I found my worth in Jesus. I read a book one summer that was a version of Brennan Manning's Abba's Child and there was a part of that book that said, "Define yourself radically as one totally loved by God." I realized that my worth wasn't what the world told me it was, but what God knew all along. Anyway, the funny thing about moving is that all the security I had is gone and I'm left feeling an awful lot like I did a lot of years ago. I'll tell you, it has caught me off guard to realize that is what has happened. I thought I was through with low self-esteem a long time ago - that's kid stuff. But here I am. Often questioning my value, justifying my actions and worrying about how I'm perceived by others.

Please don't take this for what it is not - a plea for a pick-me-up. It's mainly just for me. So that I can outwardly acknowledge what is going on in my heart. The devil likes to pick on this part of my life. It likes to eat at my self worth until it's gone. And sometimes I think it's just as important to acknowledge that as it is to acknowledge that the Lord is mightier than it all. He is. The interesting thing is that I just told you how I found my worth in God. How I read that I can define myself as being totally loved by God. But sometimes even when we know the truth it's hard to find. So I'm working on it. Trying to not be tricked by the devil and led to believe that I'm not good enough. I know that I am. Deep down I know. But right now that's hard to see.

And that is what's on my heart right now. Hope summer is finding you all well and happy! I can't wait to buy school supplies!

some truth.

2009-06-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Who's up for a trip back to africa? Just thought of it today and want to go back. So I thought I'd post a picture. Anyway....

I think I've always been a little grown-up for my age. Being the youngest gives me certain advantages that the other kids didn't have and one of those is a perspective of life that is a little... wiser maybe or more long-term than others my age. Anyway, sometimes I go through things I've written and other miscellaneous items and I'm always amazed at some of the things I have said. And I find it so interesting that I find these things when I need them the most and it always catches me off guard.

In the last couple years of high school I wrestled a lot with my spirituality and my religion. This crazy boy in my life challenged a lot of things that I accepted as truth for all my years. Everyone goes through this stage of life. The transition between your knowing your parent's truths and finding your own. So after months and maybe years of sorting these feelings out I decided that I wanted to write down what I believed. I wanted to be able to form complete, concrete thoughts about all the things I believed in. The reason I'm bringing this up now is because I just found the file on my computer and it was really good for me to read it again. If you're ever lookin for a bit of a challenge I'd encourage you to write down what you believe. It's harder than you think.

I thought I'd share a couple of the things I found. Because... that's what we do. We share with each other. So here you go.

I believe that God is the one, true Savior. He died because of His passionate, intense love for His people, He was the ultimate sacrifice for our sin and remains that sacrifice today. I believe that while on earth, Jesus’ main goal was to love all people, regardless of who they were. This love also set an example for all followers to come. Our deepest mission is to Love each other.

In a generation and movement that are so focused on love I believe that there are some things missing. I think the general mission of being able to love everyone around us and accept everyone is an excellent one, but love without God is empty. As Christians we are to love like Jesus did and in that love we give God the credit, the glory. Too many times people leave out God when He should be the goal. Love alone does not bring a world together in Christ, Love through God does.

I believe in forgiveness. I believe that God desires for us to come to Him with everything, unashamed. God can give us new life and when we come to Him with our crap He can take it all away. However, I believe that along with God’s forgiveness there has to be restoration. We have to allow ourselves to be healed and work to grow from our past. Forgiveness can only truly begin to take shape in our lives if we allow it to transform us to become the people God made us to be.

I am a Christian. I claim Christianity not as a group of people with restrictions and a precise set of beliefs, but as one that is focused on becoming more and more like Christ. To be a Christian is to live like Jesus lived. I love what Rob Bell says, “Christian is a great noun, but a terrible adjective.” I want my actions to reflect those of Christ’s. It would be truly incredible if Christianity could be transformed to look more like Christ and less like… it is now.

The last one seemed to call out to me this week because sometimes I think I avoid the label of Christian at risk of people to thinking I'm some sort of crazy person all tied up in religion. But then to never claim that I am Christian - that is, a Christ-follower - I run the risk of living my whole life without people knowing that I do what I do and I am what I am because of my Savior's deep, deep love for me. You know?

It was good to hear my 2006-self say those words. It gave me a sense of renewal and I appreciate that.

interstate 435.

2009-06-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

I was running around the other day doing some errands and the craziest thing happened. I was on one side of town and needed to get to the other side, so what did I do? I hopped on the 435 and was there in no time. What's the big deal, right? I'll tell ya! I don't drive on the freeway as an everyday means of transportation. In fact, altogether in the last year this was the 4th time I've driven on the freeway. For one, there are like 3 freeways here compared to the one in Idaho. So I've been at risk of getting on one and taking myself to who knows where. Two, these freeways don't just go in one straight line like I-84. They're all big and there are all these things you have to do to insure that you're not accidentally getting on one freeway from another. It's all a big t0-do really. So you can see why I stick to surface streets, right? But not the other day. The other day I took the dive.

After I was done with my errands, almost back to my house I realized that what I did was pretty major. Part of my not going on the freeway I think was in part of little bit of me just rejecting all things Kansas. It sounds silly, I'm sure, that a roadway system is infiltrating my thoughts this much. But just deciding to brave the freeway and be a real kansan felt like I was starting to get over all that silly stuff. And mainly what I realized is that I'm happy here for right now and I think I've been happy for a while. It has just been hard to embrace that because how do you embrace happiness here while still remembering it there? Do you understand what I mean? Maybe it's a silly train of though since I should just be happy about being happy. There is just something inside of me that is afraid of forgetting Idaho. Because I love Idaho. And I still miss it terribly. I miss my family and my friends and my school. But I like living here. What I really want is for the two to be one, you see? I don't see an issue with that. :)

This is me on a good day of course. Somedays are not good days and I want to go back to Idaho and forget about this whole thing. But right now I am thankful for this frame of mind. I've loved having Aimee home for the summer. It's so nice to have a friend! That is our next step - finding friends. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this and have said a prayer for Ryan and I as we've struggled to find our place here. Please continue to pray for us because we're not done yet!

Hope you're having a wonderful summer. Come visit!

here here!

2009-05-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well my friends, Ryan and I are about to head to Idaho to witness the marriage of my best friends. I can't even believe this is about to happen! I'm so excited. I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into my life with Leah and Louie. I love them both and hope the return from Mexico WITHOUT swine flu. Please.

speak.

2009-05-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

I believe in the power of the spoken word. I'm a pretty big advocate for it actually. I believe that our relationships and day to day interactions with one another are largely affected and influenced by the words we speak. More importantly, I believe in saying what you mean and only that. I'll try to explain.

When I was younger I didn't have a firm grasp on this subject. In fact, I prided myself on being outspoken... about pretty much everything. I've always had a very passionate heart and I generally have a hard time staying quiet when something that makes my heart beat harder by the second is being tossed around within a group of people. I think in my younger days most people would use the word "opinionated" to describe me. Always having something to say. I actually witnessed an adult say out loud to another adult right in front of me that I "had a very big mouth." I would argue that that was a stretch. Anyway, the point is that I didn't understand what it meant to be careful to say what you mean and I definitely couldn't grasp the idea that maybe my words hurt other people. I'm fairly certain my mom was constantly trying to help me understand this.

I remember the day I saw who I had been all those years. It was sometime during the first years of high school. Some friends and I had decided to watch old videos of our church musicals and at the end were some silly, random moments of which I was featured in one. I cannot tell you how embarrassed I was as I watched my annoying little 6th grade self speak so critically and disrespectfully to my children's pastor. In seconds I saw why people said what they had about my attitude at times. I could only imagine how many people I must have offended every time I used that tone of voice. The tragedy of it, however, was that the words I was saying weren't the same things I was feeling. My heart would say I loved being a part of something, but my words would say something sarcastic. But I'm sure most people picked up on my heart words mostly, right? Wrong.

Since that night I have strived to speak in the same way my heart speaks. It takes time. And many times I had to learn to say nothing at all because I couldn't figure out how to say the right thing. Don't take this the wrong way. It isn't that I just shut up for the rest of my life, but I saw and heard how harsh and ineffective I had used my words in the past and part of the road to changing that was sometimes learning to not say anything at all. I've had to convince a lot of old friends that I am not the person I used to be. It's been an interesting journey.

I think learning to say what my heart feels has been one of the most healing and renewing journeys in my life. This blog and writing words down in general have been such helpful tools in pushing me to very intentionally think about what I really have to say. To form my thoughts completely. Because in the end I want the people I love and just people in general to know exactly who I am. And what a greater way to show them then through my words? I want to be able to communicate in a way that doesn't have to be translated through a slew of sarcasm and witty remarks. (To be clear, I am both sarcastic and witty but there is a time and a place for both).

I hope that wasn't just totally random and confusing. It may be a better conversation for real life rather than blog life. That is all for now. I'd encourage you to speak the words of your heart. You won't regret it.

I don't think. :)

life after resurrection.

2009-04-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

I love Easter. I think I say that about a lot of things and perhaps a lot of holidays, but I'm going to go ahead and say it again -- I love Easter! It's a weird sort of love though. Maybe more of a love-hate. Because it is sort of hard to love the betrayal and the crucifixion. I'm always so moved by this time of year, but for some reason this year it really consumed my spirit. My heart has been heavy the last two weeks thinking about Jesus' horribly painful death.

If someone close to you at all has ever died you know the feelings of sorrow and grief that accompany the days after the event. For some reason this year more than any other those feelings overwhelmed me. And all at once I found myself wanting to prevent the events about to be observed, wishing that it didn't have to be the way it was. Even as Easter Sunday grew closer and the hope of His resurrection was in sight it still didn't feel like enough. I started to think about how I would feel in those days after Jesus' death. So consumed with this grief and shame, but then all at once He comes back! What would that have been like to process? Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure I could have been fully present a celebration of His resurrection just 3 days after He died. You know what I mean? But maybe I could have. Maybe that was a part of the glory of it all.

Nevertheless, while trying to sort all of this out in my heart I came upon a fairly simple yet redeeming idea or thought: there is life after the resurrection. I think more times than not the emphasis is on the life after death, but I'm talking about life after the resurrection and Jesus called us to take part in that life. It isn't just that after He died He rose again, but that after He rose again He still lives! And like the song says, "Because He lives I can face tomorrow." We're not meant to dwell in the dark days of holy week all year long although it is important that we recall their significance.

After Jesus rose from the dead He charged Peter with the words, "If you love me, feed my sheep." That makes my heart pound harder, but the point is Jesus didn't ask Peter or anyone He met to recount over and over His betrayal and death. Instead, He charged each person He encountered to keep on living, to keep going and being the people that He created them to be! Disciples, teachers, bringers of truth, lovers, friends. And I want to be a part of it.

And maybe that was obvious, but I'm okay with it.

(Was all of that really scattered? Never can tell. )

live simply.

2009-03-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

About a year and a half ago I went to Kenya. Let me tell you, this country changed my heart and my life. I was terrified to go because adventure is not something that I necessarily crave and this was certainly the most adventure I would encounter up to that point in my life. Nevertheless, encounter I did and I loved every minute of it. It's a beautiful country with beautiful people.

When I got back from Africa my perception of my American lifestyle changed as I'm sure it does with most people who return from experiences like mine. With such acute awareness I saw how full of excess my life was and the potential for that excess to continue to grow. I began to find ways to consolidate and use less in all the ways I could. I really got into saving the world in terms of it's resources. I worked with my youth pastor to find ways in our church that we could be using less and recycling more. My heart was and still is passionate about spreading the word that we are capable of helping our world be healthier and longer lasting. Not just for conveniences sake, but because God gave us the gift of life on Earth!

The week after Ryan and I got married we did something that was very unlike me. We got tattoos. As I've stated before I'm not much of a rule breaker and getting tattoos is a bit of a no-no in my world. Fortunately, my brother paved the way for shock and horror in my family so we weren't in too much trouble. WELL ANYWAY. Ryan and I had decided earlier that we wanted to have the phrase, "Live Simply." on our arms as a constant reminder that whatever our circumstance we don't need anymore than it takes just to live. Really just doing that, living simply.

Since we've moved to Kansas I'm sorry to say that we have veered from that track a bit. Life has such a funny way of making you forget or postpone initial goals and hopes. A couple of weeks ago our pastor started his Lenten season sermon series and his first message pretty much summed up everything I believe in as far as living a simple life goes. As I sat and listened my heart just felt heavier and heavier. I began to realize that the life we had committed to living just wasn't the current life we were living. And that made me really sad. I realized that because I have been so lonely here in KS I've spent most of my time buying mindless little things that I truly do not need. Also with being surrounded by many more affluent people our scale of simple changed - and that just never crossed my mind.

So I'm going back to my roots these days. Finding the simple life, but more than that teaching myself to enjoy it. I mean it's no secret that trying to have as little as possible means being uncomfortable sometimes and giving up a lot of want. My Lenten sacrifice was doing away with all extracurricular spending as a way to readjust myself to my life's motto. It's a bummer sometimes - like finding sweet deals at the mall today. But mostly I'd say it's a blessing. Because less stuff means less clutter which means less consumption of silly silly things.

That is all I guess. Take heart. Find hope. Live the dream. Simply if you can. :)

wordle.

2009-03-06T20:28:00.000-08:00

My future brother-in-law introduced me to this site that creates an image of all the words you use most in any text you feed it. It's called a wordle. So this is the wordle of my blog. The biggest words are the words used most often and so on...

Enjoy!

burr.

2009-02-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Just when you think the worst is over. It all comes back to get you. Winter that is. This silly season just won't seem to go away! There are 2 inches of snow on the ground this morning! It was 70 degrees earlier in the week! Why is this happening?!

The thing with snow is that it's cold. Real cold. It's pretty, but when you go out into it bites.... and that isn't fun. I think it'd be better if snow were more like.... down comforters or the batting that goes into pillows. That way when it snowed (or downed/batted in this case) we could all go outside, sit down and wrap ourselves up with the warmth of a down comforter. Doesn't that sound like a much better idea? Oh man. I love it.

Needless to say I am a bit through with the ol' snow and general frigidity of the winter. I think everyone is. And that's just really all I wanted to say. I'm sure everyone really appreciated those wise words.

all you need is love.

2009-02-18T17:34:00.000-08:00

As you are all aware of, Valentine's Day was last weekend. Ryan and I don't usually make any big deal about the holiday, but we certainly welcome the chance to say I love you in an extra special way. We spent the day roaming around Kansas City with our friend Flat Stanley showing him the sights. It turned out to be a really great day and it ended with some good time spent with Ryan's parents and grandparents. Anyway, I thought I would just take this chance to mention a few of the things that I really love.

I love my husband. This may be a given, but I truly and deeply love this man. He is such a faithful comforter when things start to overwhelm me. He makes me laugh everyday - this is something that I think God did on purpose. My life would be so much less goofy if Ryan were absent from the picture and I love the goofiness of our life together.

I love my family. They have been a constant support system all my life and it hasn't been until that last couple of years that I have been able to understand how significant that is. Each person brings me so much joy in such different ways.

I love my new nephew Jones AND my beautiful niece Kensie. Who knew that I could love these little children so much? I haven't even met Jones yet, but I love this baby with my whole heart. Being an aunt is a blessing. Truly.

I love all my friends that have made sure that I know we haven't been forgotten after leaving Nampa. To know that at least one person thinks about us from time to time makes me feel so loved. And that is just a really wonderful feeling.

I love the Lord. He is faithful, this I know. Learning to praise Him even in my hardest days here in Olathe has been a greater challenge than I have faced in a long time, but He never lets me go through too much time without giving me a reminder that He is still near. Today in chapel we sang the Doxology - I love this song and the simplicity of just giving God all our praise. I never want to stop praising Him. Ever.

I think that probably covers it. I love the life I've been given - never perfect, but always just right I think. Hope your Valentines Day was lovely and that it overflows into all your days.

my 25.

2009-01-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

This is just a thing that has been going around facebook. The idea is that you have to come up with 25 things about yourself if this gets sent to you. So I filled it out. It took me quite a while so I thought it was worthy of the blogging world.

1. I'm fairly well known for my hesitance towards change. I don't like it, I don't welcome it and I'm terrible at adjusting to it. Something I'm constantly aware of.

2. When I was little my mom had to seek out the adult role models in my life and tell them not to egg me on because I was so sarcastic and witty that I would hurt their's and other's feelings. I was merely doing what I would do at home with my siblings, I had no idea it was inappropriate in some places.

3. I didn't learn to really do my hair or put make-up on until I was in college and roommates with my now sister-in-law Aimee. She showed me the way.

4. I also never owned a purse until I met Aimee. She bought me one for Christmas filled with all the things you are supposed to have in a purse. I had no idea. Now I have like 6. Unfortunately, the original purse burnt in a fire.

5. Speaking of fires. In the course of 2 months there were 2 fires at my house. The first one I sat in for 2 hours until I realized that something was really wrong. The second one was in the garage. Lost 2 cars and a motorcycle. Bummer.

6. I wreck vehicles. Not purposefully of course, it just happens. I had 6 cars in 4 years. Totaled 2 cars. Ran 1 into several things. Lost 1 in the fire. And 2 I actually got to sell.

7. I met my husband because he was my brother's neighbor in college. I was 16. And had a boyfriend.

8. I hate gum. Everything about it I can't stand. People chewing it, the taste, the consistency. Gross. The very worst is when people play with their gum OR they take it out and put it on the edge of something like their plate or cup.

9. I don't claim to be the most sympathetic person you've ever met. It's not something I'm proud of, but it doesn't come naturally to me. When Ryan and I first started dating I couldn't handle it when he got sick. It just wasn't in me to coddle him or tend to him. This is something I have gotten much better at. But still, I have to try in order to be overly sympathetic.

10. I started drinking coffee when I was 8 years old. After all the other kids had left for school, sometimes my mom would get me up early and take me to The Yogurt Affair (a place that sadly no longer exists in Nampa) and we would get a Sugar-Free Hazelnut Latte and share it. Eventually I got my own. I still love the taste of those.

12. The first time I got to ride on a plane was on the way to Disneyland when I was 8. Scott, Stephanie and I sat together and laughed the entire way I think. We discovered that one person could talk through the end of the headphones they gave you and you could hear it through the earpiece. We thought that was reaaaal funny. I also cried because they stopped giving peanuts as was tradition in the past and instead gave pretzels.

13. Because of that previously mentioned peanut incident, from that point on my dad brought me home a bag of peanuts from all his trips.

14. My dad traveled a lot for his job. Every once in a while each of the kids got to tag a long with him. I remember one very clearly. We went to lewiston. We stopped in George, WA and ate a place called Martha Inn. Then i got to sit at a trade show for the whole weekend and eat free food and get free stuff. I brought my mom home a bag of lentils.

15. Stephanie and I shared a room for a significant portion of our lives. In that time we came up with all sorts of things. Banana baseball. In which we kept score in one of our journals and wore pajamas that looked like baseball uniforms. The bat was an inflatable banana. We also had a secret go to sleep handshake. "1-2-3 Go to sleep!" We'd shake from bed to trundle.

16. I used to fall asleep in my dresser drawer. Steph and I shared a dresser and my drawer was on the bottom close to the floor. Every morning I would open the drawer and sit down in front of it looking at all my shirts and then I'd end up falling asleep in it.

17. I have an incredible amount of excess skin on my body. I'm a small person, but I have more skin than anyone I know. I don't know how to explain that more in depth but it's the truth.

18. I am a very not picky eater. I'll pretty much eat anything. And I'll clean my plate and everyone else's around me. The only thing I really can't stand to eat is beets. I hate 'em. My parents used to tell me they tasted like candy. This was false.

19. I love my birthday. So much in fact that there used to be a rule in my house that I couldn't start talking about my birthday until January 1.

20. When I played basketball as a kid I was terrible, terrible, terrible! I'd just get so excited when I got the ball that I'd look at my parents and forget to dribble.

21. I'm a very loyal person. Once I've establish a meaningful bond with someone it's not likely that I will ever go away.

22. When I'd go to the auction's with my mom, at the end my grandpa would pay Leah and I a quarter to go pick up all the trash left from the crowd. I assume this began my affinity for quarters. Oh, how i love them. I collect them and save them. If you ever leave change laying around it's likely that I'll take the quarters. Ryan gave me a box of perfume the first summer I visited Kansas and I started collecting quarters in it. Then I bought his wedding ring with them.

23. I play the piano. A lot of people probably don't know that, but I took lessons for 11 years. My grandma first taught me and I inherited the piano I learned on. It's one of my most prized possessions.

24. When my parents would leave and Scott and I would be home alone we would take all the cushions off the couch, take the hide-a-bed out and make a battle zone. Then we'd jump off the couch and play guns. This was definitely not allowed.

25. Woo 25!! It seems like this should be a really good one, but all I can think of is that I love soda. And I attribute this to the lack of it in our home growing up. Since my mom couldn't have sugar and was a bit of a health nut anyway we never had soda in our home. I just figure I'm making up for lost time.

Wow! That was long!

birthday.

2009-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

It was my birthday on Tuesday. This picture is showing the surprise Ryan had for me when I woke up in the morning. There was a big square of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror and it says "Beautiful" inside. He also stuck notes all over the house with little sayings on them. Like, You're Pretty! And, We're Happy! It was funny. However, I have to say the best part was a video that Ryan put together of all the people I love the most telling me happy birthday. He apparently sent an email out to a bunch of people asking them to send him a video wishing me happy birthday and they all did! It was the best way to start my 21st birthday. Every holiday or occasion that comes along makes me miss my family of course, but It was good to just be with my husband and live the dream. At least I think that's what we're doing. Welp, go 21!

i've been married a year, i went on vacation, and i learned a little about life.

2009-01-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a season. We've just spent the last two weeks traveling to all sorts of places including LA, Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, Puerto Vallarta, Nampa, and San Francisco. Some of those were just connecting flights, but still it's been a crazy month of December and a wonderful Christmas. It was just what we needed to be surrounded by the people we love the very most. God has truly blessed us with families hasn't He? I'd say.

Anyway, I wanted to say a little something about generosity. Because through this season it's been the giving without expectation of anything in return that has truly touched my heart. When I was in Nampa with my family I was thinking about wanting to write a new post and I was pondering what I wanted to say to really recap my past month and I decided I wanted to sum it up with this concept, this act - of generosity.

I wish each of you could have the chance to sit down and know my parents. They're fairly remarkable individuals who have a pretty wonderful story to tell. Really, it's not that outstanding in the typical ways. They don't have ultra cool jobs, they've never invented anything major, you probably can't google their names and find out much about them and their wild successes in life, but they've touched and been a significant part of so many lives. And in the yard of my parents home is a sign that is really faded, but has become a bit of a landmark in finding their place because painted on it in big letters is, The Sewards, and underneath that it says, God Has Provided. This sign has a story behind it that relates to how we came about to be able to have our home, but more than that it serves as a theme for the way my family functions. We are constantly living in the truth that God has provided - and He always does. Time and time again my parents could tell you the ways that we were at our lowest point and something or someone came along allowing us to continue along. It always amazes me. And it's because God constantly provides for my family that my parents are constantly giving all that they have. Themselves, their things. Nothing is too valuable to them when someone else needs it's more. It's been such a faithful reminder and example to Ryan and I to share what we have.

It's easy to not live very generously being newly married. You feel like you need to build up a bit of a trust before you can start just divvying it out to the masses. But then I'm reminded about how fortunate we are. How, compared to the rest of the world, we have everything we could ever need. Nothing we have is our own. It's only through God's provisions that we are able to do any of what we do and I need to be more aware of that and more active because of it. I want to give the world what I have. I want every person in the world to have clean water to drink... before I buy more furniture, or more clothes, or more of anything that I already have. And I want to do it because Jesus gave me the world.

So I hope you had a Merry Christmas and I hope you begin to live a little more generously. If you want. :)

i love christmas.

2008-12-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I do. I always have. When we were younger, my sister and I used to itch to listen to Christmas music as early as possible. In my home, of course, there were classic albums that were played over and over during the holidays. Really, the only albums we owned. This may have been because we only bought Christmas music during one era of our lives and never got around to getting upgrades or (the more obvious and likely answer) these are the best Christmas albums to ever exist. Hard to say. Nevertheless, Christmas with the Stars 1996, Philips, Craig and Dean: Repeat the Sounding Joy, and the Dominic the Donkey tape are the songs permanently associated with the holidays in my heart.

I just love the joy of Christmas. I love the way my heart feels so full when my family is together. There is something about the holiday season in America that just makes whatever really awful stuff is going on seem a little less in the forefront of our minds and brings the simply wonderful things to our attention. And it's not that people don't hurt over Christmas. Because I know they do. I know that for some Christmas is a dreaded time of year. But I also know that people are good. And they care for others. And that Christmas is one of the biggest times of year that people look beyond themselves and give to others. I love that too.

Tonight I got to hear some pretty remarkable Christmas music and all at once I found myself swept away in the beauty of... well, Christmas. Not the holidays and the activities. Not even my family or our traditions. But the fact that Jesus - my Jesus - was born. It might sound silly or cheesy or naive, but the reason I love Christmas is because a baby boy was born and that same tiny little infant grew up into a man that cared so deeply for people that He died for them. For me. I love the way that music makes my heart and soul stir. The way that I can feel deep inside me the words of these simple, familiar songs. I don't care that I've heard them thousands of times, a thousand different ways... I resonate with them.-- O holy night! The stars are brightly shining! This is the night of our dear Savior's birth. Fall on your knees! Can you hear the angel's voices? What a divine night! This night, when Christ was born. -- I just can't think of a more beautiful way to rejoice in the birth of Jesus. That's all.

I love that Christmas reminds us to rejoice. To stop what we're doing and take some time to just say words like, Gloria! and Emmanuel! and Hark! Haha. We don't often allow ourselves or find ourselves in a position where it's comfortable to outwardly exclaim that we are so happy that Jesus was born and that he lived and lives still today. And tonight I just loved being swept away in that glory. Hope that's okay with you. And I don't mean to neglect those who experience less than okay holiday seasons for various reason. Because I know how important it is to be actively reaching out and seeing those people, helping them, and telling them that a baby was born so that they could have life. You know? Yeah. I just want to take some time to revel in the blessings of a time of year set aside to remember. Remember Jesus and family and hope and healing.

A Blessed Christmas Season to you!

something greater.

2008-11-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

Something monumental happened to me this weekend. I hung out with a group of girls. There is really nothing more to it, just that I was invited to and accepted the invitation to watch a movie with a group of girls. It was so good to be able to feel like I was apart of something again. I'll admit I've been hesitant to jump into any sort of friendship here because in my mind that means letting go of some of the dearest people I've ever known. But I can have both. And I do have both. I don't mean to be over-dramatic about something seemingly insignificant, but I'm deciding to outwardly praise God for providing this small stepping stone to hope that I can have a meaningful life here.

On another note. I just finished reading a note that a friend posted on facebook that really just blessed my heart a little. Don't you love to feel your heart be moved by something? I was struck by the way that my heart felt after reading this note because I realized that it was a feeling that I don't think I have felt in quite some time. I don't know about you, but I have this need to be apart of something greater than myself. Whether it be a body of people or a worthy cause I know that my life was meant to contribute in ways that I'm not really sure of. I was reminded today of how easy it is to be swept away by life's circumstances and start thinking of only my own life's happenings. But there is an entire world that needs us. There are greater things to be a part of. Even just through everyday interaction and conversation. As humans we are constantly contributing to each other's lives. I don't want to do so in a passive and unintentional way. Sometimes I just think it is nice to be reminded that our stuff isn't the only stuff and while it's important to be an active participant in your immediate surroundings there is also so much more. There are people and places that need us. So I am going to start seeking more intently the ways that God has for me to contribute to this life. Maybe it's big. Maybe it's small. But I know that I can't just do nothing.

That may have not made a lot of sense, but I'm hoping for the best. Sometimes blogging doesn't always come as easily as I wish it would. :) Happy Thanksgiving!

support.

2008-11-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

Brace yourself, I'm about to mention the election. As you may well know the United States of America just elected their 44th president who is also the first black man to obtain this highly regarded position. If you don't know... well, yikes!

Anyway, what an experience it has been. So many new things. One of those things being the large number of young people who got involved. Something this nation hasn't really seen in quite some time. The downside, however, of the young turnout is how irrational and passionate they/we can be. The night of the election Ryan and I spent some time on facebook watching everyone's reaction to the results. Lots of excitement as well as lots of disappointment. For those whose candidate did not win, the comments were less than respectful. I don't mean to generalize, because there were also many people who were gracious in the defeat, but it made me sad to see many of my Christian friends speak so hateful towards another person. And what really gets me is that many of these people speak this way because of the example shown to them in their own homes. Parents teach their kids to be hateful, to speak hatefully. When did it ever become acceptable for Christians especially to speak so terribly about or to other people under the name of politics? People are saying things like, "There goes all my money to people who don't work for it!" What a tragedy that this is the life we've claimed as the people that were called to live a selfless and love-filled life. Angry at the president-elect because of our money being taken away. But... I thought it was God's money? Is that incorrect? The attitude of being deserving of things of this earth is a very backwards one in my mind. Regardless of who I supported in this election, as an American I choose to support our new president. Because that's what brings unity and peace to a nation.

Aside from the election, I had the amazing opportunity to give Nampa a surprise visit this last week. Probably the best trip ever AND I got Aimee good. Classic. I miss all those kiddies in Idaho, but thank you for a wonderful visit. It was just what I needed. Peace dudes.

give me jesus.

2008-10-06T20:09:00.000-07:00

I had the interesting experience this weekend of hearing a song and having it comfort me in a completely different way than it did the last time I can recall. Isn't it interesting how life often occurs in cycles like that? We visited a church on Sunday that... well, it wasn't great. However, this song that I'm referring to was sung and it was quite fitting for the time of year that it is.

I'll just get right down to it. 5 years ago this weekend my brother's best friend died. An event that truly changed his and our entire family's lives forever. For the first time this anniversary of his death has felt like a lot of time has past. I was 15 and now I'm married. Crazy. Anyway, Scott and I sang a song called, Give Me Jesus at his funeral and that's the song they sang yesterday at this church. I was listening to the song later in the day, thinking about those days after Ryan died. Those were sad days, hard days. But what an extraordinary journey it has been and how faithfully present Jesus has been through it all. I praise God for the times that I can look back on my life and see His provisions along the way.

Aside from Ryan, that song sang new words to me yesterday. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me. Feelings of loneliness have seemed somewhat overwhelming from time to time. To be honest, God has felt far away too. But in the words of that song I was reminded how Jesus is near every step of the way. There will be hard days. There are hard days. And I will keep going. Until one day I can look back and say the same thing I said above about how I'm feeling right now. God will provide. He always has. God will provide. He always has.

In the morning when I rise, when I am alone, and when I come to die, give me Jesus.

habits of husbands.

2008-09-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

Oh Ryan. Sometimes he just does the funniest things. This last weekend I had to work so he was left to his own devices while I was gone. When I got home he had so very thoughtfully cleaned the whole house AND put the rest of the things that weren't on the walls up on the walls. Isn't that amazing!? You have no idea how much of a difference this has made in our home. It's so much cleaner and more peaceful... everything off the floor...just lovely.

But this isn't about that. This is about the way that Ryan cleans. He is truly an incredible housekeeper. He's super thorough and so much of a perfectionist that everything ends up just as it should be when he's done. BUT he has this tragic flaw. He hides and stows. As shown in this picture above. This is Ryan's sock drawer. Inside this sock drawer is everything that used to be on top of our dresser, but didn't belong including: painting tape, napkins my mom bought me, a returned wedding thank you, a card from aimee, and a deck of cards. So as I am putting the laundry away I open his drawer and just start laughing because of the contents of the drawer. Classic Ryan. When you look at a glance everything is perfect, when you search within everything is just tucked away... but neatly.

I just thought everyone might appreciate this. Husbands are funny sometimes. Funny but nice.

one of those movies.

2008-09-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

If you know me at all you probably know that there are certain movies that have become staples in my life. They're either movies that you've probably watched with my entire family if you have ever visited my home or they're movies that I know by heart and turn on to just listen to because I already know exactly what's happening on screen. One of those movies... is You've Got Mail. Boy do I love that movie.

But beyond my love for that movie and at the risk of sounding like an absolute moron, I've thought about a certain part in that movie more than once in the last two weeks. (I wasn't going to go through all of this, but I decided to explain my love for the movie in case someone came up to me later telling me that my thoughts resembled a movie they had seen). Anyway, living here has been tough. Being away from the people that I love and the places that I know is not necessarily something that I wanted to happen. I never saw myself leaving. But I did. And in the past couple of weeks being away has become increasingly difficult. So, here is where the movie comes in. There is a part in that movie after Meg Ryan has lost her business and she's saying how people always tell you that change is a good thing, but all they are really saying is that something you didn't want to happen happened and there's really nothing you can do about it. And then she says this, "The truth is, I'm heartbroken." (Man, I'm really setting myself up to look like a big cheeseball). But the truth is that I have been heartbroken. There have been days, maybe weeks where all I want to do is go back home. When I think about all the people in Nampa that know me. That miss me. It makes living in Kansas seem so pointless. Why live in place where no one cares who I am?

Unfortunately, this story doesn't really have an incredible epiphany at the end. We did get the chance to visit home a week ago, however, and loved every second of it. It was wonderful seeing everyone. And hard to leave them behind. BUT there is hope. I have to believe that God would never send us to a place and not provide any sort of connection to the wonderful people who I'm sure live somewhere in this state. So we're going to wait patiently and openly for some really great friends and keep repeating this from Romans, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

i rule.

2008-08-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

I realized something about myself a couple nights ago while hanging out with some people at our apartment's pool. I've been there a couple times and there are allllways people drinking like crazy. It's really quite funny because these people just hang out at the pool literally all day long. Just drinking away. My reaction to all of this was/is this has to be against the rules.

There's a big sign posted on one of the fences of the pool that has the "Pool Policies" on it and I have been wanting to go read it for a while now. I wanna see what it says about drinking.... and just overall pool conduct, you know... anything I might need to be aware of. I haven't had the chance to read it though because there are always people sitting in front of it and I don't want to be that nerd so I just stay on my chair and play it cool. No big deal.

But here's my big realization: I live for rules. Truthfully, this is not a brand new realization for me, but the magnitude to which I abide by rules dawned on me the other night in the pool. My friends were jumping of the part of the pool that pours into a lower pool and I was watching them thinking, "I bet they're not supposed to be doing that." Then I laughed at myself because I figured that most people in life don't seek out the rules so that they may be followed. They probably just keep doing things until someone says they can't... and then they stop... maybe. They probably don't ask for copies of their lease contract and read it several times to be sure they're doing everything right.

This whole sequence of thoughts just made me laugh a little. I was just thinking about my desire to read those pool policies and not having the opportunity to was making me antsy. I should probably try and let go a little. Or maybe just continue my need for rules that is like a silent glue that holds my life together. Hard to say. :)

the days go by.

2008-07-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's week 2 for us here in Overland Park. Technically week 3, but the first week was like vacation with my parents in town for the move. Ryan is really enjoying Premier. He got the chance to record a really great band last weekend and had a lot of fun. The changes he is hoping to make to the studio or happening as quickly as I think he'd like, but that's okay. Currently, he is running sound for The Sailor Sequence for a couple of shows. Of course, he loves that.

As for me, I'm just sitting at home mostly. I'm pretty bored to be honest. Some days I find things to do outside of the apartment, but usually I just kind of walk around. One day I made this pretty cool craft out of plastic grocery bags. So that was fun. Another day I started to paint our room, but I haven't really gotten back to that yet so there's just a tiny patch of orange on the wall. So as you can see life is pretty low key for me right now. But that's okay. I'm sure it's a good break before school starts. However, I have decided that if school turns out to not be too much work than I think I might get a job. It's weird to not be working at all.

Well, I just wanted to give a small update. It was kind of boring I guess. Feel free to say hello to me sometime. I miss everyone in Nampa. Can't wait to see Leah and Louie back from their summer adventures! woo! Peace out.

here.

2008-07-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are! We made it to Olathe after a long, long drive that was fairly uneventful until we literally crossed the line into Kansas City where we began driving in one of the biggest storms I have ever been a part of. Apparently where we were was the actual heart of this storm... which probably wouldn't have been that big of deal but we had a moving truck to worry about. Those are a little more extreme weather sensitive. Good times though. It was a fun drive with my parents and sister. I very much appreciate their company.

My family was able to stay for a week and help out with all the little things that come along with moving into a new place. Several days of shopping were also involved which I did not object to. :) It took quite a bit less time to move in then I thought it would really. So that was nice. Wednesday I said a sad goodbye to my parents. But, I feel okay. I don't feel hopeless. I kind of thought I'd feel hopeless and really alone. However, being here has made me feel a lot more hopeful about the future. There's a family here that I really love and who I think cares a lot about me. I think that has helped both me and my parents. So I'm glad for that.

Anyway, I just wanted to say - So far so good! We love our little home and have had a good time so far. Ryan started work and is adjusting to that life. And I'm just hanging out at home. Woo hoo!!! peace for now.

goodbye.

2008-06-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well my friends, we are about to embark on the journey to Kansas. We leave tomorrow morning at 6AM and will hopefully arrive Wednesday evening. I think I'm ready at this point. We're packed, moved out, loaded up - good to go. Now I'm ready to hit the road.

It hit me today, however, that even though I will indeed return in a couple of months for my brother's wedding - after tomorrow I will no longer be a resident of Nampa, Idaho. I know, groundbreaking isn't it? But even though I'll be back to visit for the wedding it is just strange to me that this technically won't be my home anymore (I'll always be from here of course) after tomorrow.

So, with that said I want to say goodbye. I'm going to miss each of you more than I probably even know, but I'm so thankful for everything and everyone. Thank you to all of you that made my going away memorable and special. I appreciate it so very much. We both do. Goodbye Nampa. See you soon.

don't ever do this.

2008-06-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

So, I just got a letter from MidAmerica about financial aid. It was a letter, from a large institute, talking about money, telling me that the matter was urgent, and speaking of the federal government. SO, with all that information let me tell you this: the ENTIRE letter was written in Comic Sans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMIC SANS?!?!!!!!!!!!!! why, why, why?

It's never okay to write anything in comic sans - especially one that's about finances. Bleh.

party.

2008-06-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm using the blog world for things it may not be intended for again. BUT it's a good cause.

YOU'RE INVITED TO RYAN AND CLAIRE'S GOING AWAY PARTY!!

It's just a little get together in order to get in those last goodbyes before we head off to Kansas.

Here's the info:

When: June 29 7-10pm

Where: Seward House 2115 E. Greenhurst Rd

We're just going to be having a little barbecue and hang out time. You can swim if you want. But we'd love to have you!

Let me know if you have questions.

the road to home.

2008-06-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

I live in a town that I love. In the last month or so I have done my fair share of "taking it all in" as my departure from this place is drawing closer and tonight as I drove home from my parent's house I had one of these moments. With the sun just getting ready to set, it's golden light that is so familiar in the summertime touching every part of the valley - I saw what I love...

The road to my parents house that I know like the back of my hand. The one I walked down to go to elementary school, rode my bike to Leah's house and wrecked more than one vehicle. The high school that I watched years of football games being played at and spent so many hours inside planning dances and assemblies. I passed the softball fields where I watched my sister and brother play and eventually learned myself. When summer finally arrives I always just see so much of my life around here. There are people walking everywhere with their kids and dogs... half of which I know the names of. As silly as it may sound, every street has so many memories. It's just that every time I drive around I see the last 16 years of my life. And then I realize why my heart is here.

I saw Prince Caspian a while ago and somehow it just keeps coming back to me. There are these two songs that have really just meant a lot to me from the movie that talk about saying goodbye and what home is. Every time I hear either of them I think about this movie and how these siblings are torn between two homes and trying to figure out which one they belong in. And I say all that to say that tonight while I was driving down the street from my parent's house I finally felt like I could have both. This home will always have my heart, but I think that with time I will call Kansas home... and that will be good too.

If you get the chance - The Call by Regina Spektor and This is Home by Switchfoot are definitely worth a listen and think of me when you do! :)

half.

2008-06-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well, today marks the 6 month that Ryan and I have been married! Half a year! Kind of weird to think about, but I love it. Wouldn't trade it for anything. I'd say I have one of the most legit husbands I've ever known. YAY!!!

That's really all I wanted to say.

god is good.

2008-06-10T16:25:00.001-07:00

Well, some good news. Our car is fixed! After quite a bit of deliberation and discussion with LOTS of people we decided to keep the car and hope for the best on our trip to Kansas. It's very very possible that this car will continue to be high maintenance - which is why we were wanting to just get rid of it. However, we decided that it was one thing that we really couldn't deal with right now. So... yeah! We have a car and for now it works and that is a good thing. Very good.

God is good, I'd say. Whatever happens, I know He will provide. I think I'm just going to count on that for now. Continue to keep us in your prayers as we start getting ready to move!

part the waters.

2008-06-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

There is this song by a group that I love that says:

When I think I'm going under

Part the waters Lord.

When I feel the waves around me

Calm the sea.

When I cry for help, oh hear me Lord

and hold out Your hand

Touch my life, still the raging storm

in me.

Right now, I need that. I don't really love to just dive into my personal life much in the blogging world, but I know that a few of you who read this could be a bit of support. Life is getting hard for us right now. As many of you know, we are about to make a pretty big move. Well, a couple of things have arose in the last couple of weeks that are making the move seem fairly overwhelming. Our car is broken and the move is very, very expensive especially with the ever rising price of gas. Not to mention the already existent stress of moving away from my home, family, and best friends. I just don't know how to manage it all right now.

So, if you're into it, we'd really appreciate your prayers for us in the next couple of weeks. We're just really trying to trust that God is bigger and will take care of us.

thanks dudes.

belong.

2008-06-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

I had a conversations with my parents in the car the other night that made me think about a conversation I had a long time ago with Ryan. I think the thought is valuable so I'm going to share it with you now.

We often use the tactic of "finding a place of belonging" to reach out to people in order to get them to come to church. A lot of times the idea of belonging to a community is what gets most people in the door and eventually it is why they stay. The thing is - every member of a congregation needs that sense of belonging. The pastor, the board members, those people that you think were probably birthed at church, every person joins the community of a church body, in part, for a sense of belonging. And yet, so many people feel like nobody knows them or recognizes them when they come to church. So many feel like they don't truly belong. In fact, it was Ryan that told me he felt this way many times on Sunday mornings and my heart hurts a little to think that some people walk in the doors of church in the morning who go there every week and feel the same way...every week.

Ryan said something to me in that conversation that made me realize the potential danger, I guess, of the situation. He said, "No one at church makes me feel like I belong there." Then I thought, if we're all standing around church thinking that we don't belong then who is supposed to be making us feel like we belong? The point is, it is easy to spend a lot of time within a church body finding ways that other people aren't doing a good job of being a part of a church body. We all seem to think that it isn't our responsibility to be the one giving that sense of belonging; that church is for only me. And then I think, what have I done to make someone feel like they belonged at church lately? I just wonder if I spend so much time stewing about everyone around me doing a lousy job at loving me that I don't do much in the way of encouraging anyone else.

It can't be only one person's job, you know? It's not just the worship team or the group leader's or the pastor's job to be the people that say you belong within this community. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all stopped stewing on Sunday mornings and just looked someone in the face and said, I'm so glad to see you today? Maybe this is stupid and something that is really "duh" to other people, but it was a really great reminder to me that I'm capable of making someone feel like they belong and I would have to imagine that by doing so the feeling would be reciprocated. So, I'm really going to try making a habit of doing so.

*I apologize for the "we's." It isn't my preferred way of addressing church. Just couldn't think of another way to approach it. Peace yo.

the scoop on the vacay. and other news.

2008-05-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Well, we are back from Portland. We had a lot of fun, I'm really glad we went. It felt like a real, live, grown-up vacation too. We went to the Seattle Aquarium, we shopped like crazy, went to IKEA, ate with friends from the area, AND stopped at Multnomah Falls on the way home. That's real life if I've ever seen it.

We decided that, while we really enjoyed our stay, we don't really ever have the desire to live in Portland. I realize by saying so I have probably just offended half the people I know. My apologies. It just didn't quite fit our personalities I guess. Too hard core or something. I like me some open air and blue sky. :) Nonetheless, it is quite a green and beautiful drive and worth the trip altogether.

I said goodbye to my best friend yesterday as she is headed off to Africa for the summer. We will have moved by the time she gets back. We had originally planned to stay till she got back, but she assured me that it was unnecessary to do so. This goodbye business is much harder and complex than I thought it would be. It hasn't really sunk in yet I guess. I just am trying to make it seem less of a reality. But I am really going to miss her... a lot. Keep in mind we have been best friends for 16 years. Which is kind of a long time to know someone and love them. Whew, I think it's going to be a long road for me.

In other news, I had an interesting conversation with my parents tonight about the war, America and Obama. Always a touchy subject to get into with those two. Ryan and I bought a dresser at IKEA! Our car is having some technical difficulties. ANNNNNND I really miss Aimee Cork. She's a good friend.

That'll be all.

honeymoonin'.

2008-05-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I are headed to Portland and Seattle this looooooong weekend to take that honeymoon we never got the chance to take! We're pretty excited and are looking forward to doing some shopping and perhaps some looking around of furniture for the new home.

Just wanted to tell everyone. Like all 2 of you. So peace out my friends! But then also see you soon portland friends!

good reminders.

2008-05-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not a super "deep" thinker. I don't love to over-analyze things or try and come up with the most profound thing possible. So with that said...

Today at church the Pastor announced the birth of a little girl who was born 6 weeks pre-mature and weighed in at 3 pounds. The whole story is pretty remarkable and it really boils down to a mom who had too much faith to lose hope in having this baby. This really incredible story seemed to make me more aware of all the little "amens" and "praise Gods" throughout the rest of the service. And then it occurred to me how these are the things that make me so thankful to be a Christ follower. I know that's kind of a weird way to say that, but I just appreciate these moments where the kind of church I go to and all the technicalities that work or don't work just really don't matter even a little. I grow weary of the constant church discussion, to be honest. I realize that it is a necessary conversation from time to time, but I hate how far it can take me from how incredible a God I serve.

The reality is, God still works the same way He always has. I feel like some people immerse themselves so deeply into making "the church" be this effective tool and making sure things are exactly how they should be that they fail to remember how awesome God is. He is still doing great things - a lot of times in really simple ways. He just doesn't need our silly little solutions that we think are going to change the course of the church's history. Church is important, don't get me wrong and effective churches can accomplish great things, but God's just bigger than all that. Does that make sense?

I guess what I really wanted to say is that 3 pound babies are still born and that's a really awesome thing. And God is just really incredible. And I love the reminders. That's all.

free roses.

2008-05-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

I love to observe. There are so many things to see. On my way home from shopping tonight I passed a church reader board that read, "Free rose for all moms sunday." My instant thoughts were as follows: Hahahahaha. What??? Why?? Who cares? I think that about sums it up. Then to top it off the very next church reader board said, "Unity not uniformity." How do those things even go together? They're bonded but don't wear the same clothes? I dunno.

To me, this is a classic example of church working so hard to get people to come in their doors that they end up looking absolutely ridiculous. The free rose board is just beyond me on so many levels. First, why free? Do some churches gives roses to mom's by payment or suggested donation only? Was that their way of enticing all residing Nampan mom's to come to their church this Sunday? Second, Is a mother really going to come to their church just to get a rose? I can just see that mom, "You know, I want to do something just for me... I'll go to that church and get me a flower!" Oh please. These things just blow my mind. Churches just seem like they feel they have so much to prove or they need to offer some sort of incentive to get people inside. I'll be honest. That's not church to me. I'm sure my church is completely guilty of it - I'm sure most churches are - I just don't really wanna be a part of the enticement crew. There's just something about creating a trail of bread crumbs/programs/big screens/awesome music/free roses to make people come to your church that doesn't seem genuine or even right.

The thing is, we shouldn't be using the reader board in front of our church as a means of attracting people. The reality of that tactic is: it doesn't work. Silly proverbs, Condemnations and the like aren't really the things that make or break the church-deal for most people, but those are the general things you see around Nampa on church reader boards. Maybe we should be looking for ways beyond our reader boards to get the message of Christ's love and how it exists in the church to our communities. You think? I think.

I don't have any free roses, but Happy Mother's Day to all mom's this weekend.

the rain today.

2008-04-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

When I walked outside this morning there was sun. It was clear and bright actually. And then. It rained. Misted really. And all at once I was back in Africa. It was such a strange feeling because as I was walking, the ground looked so much like something in Africa. Which, sounds silly, but it's true.

I miss Africa. I never thought another country could capture my heart like Kenya did. Don't you hate the feeling of forgetting (or at least remembering less) an experience that was so dear. I was thankful for this glimpse back today because I hadn't really thought about my trip in quite some time. Kenya taught me a lot. It shaped me and I miss it. I'll go back there someday. I will. So thank you Idaho for being my Africa today.

On another note, today would have been my friend Ryan House's 22nd birthday. Every year I wonder what to feel or think on this day. Mainly, it's just a chance to say that I'm thankful for his life and that I miss him. Happy birthday Ryan.

time's a wastin'.

2008-04-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's pedal to the medal time here at ol' northwest nazarene. Finals are approaching and I have quite a bit on my plate. Therefore, no bloggin for a while. Sorry dudes.

for kathy.

2008-04-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

This is going to be some coffee shop talk again. But hopefully worthwhile. I have worked at The Flying M for 2 years. In that 2 years I have met many, many people. Some good and some bad. And it's such a strange thing - these meetings - because they're so seemingly impersonal and fleeting and yet we become a part of each other's lives. I see relationships begin, I see them end, I meet families both separately and together, I watch hair grow and then get cut, I see pregnancy both announced and progress, the list could probably go on and on. The point is, I witness so much of people's lives so passively.

And that brings me to this. Last week one of our customers passed away. Her name was Kathy. And probably if you live in Nampa, you knew her or at least of her. When Flying M first met her we only knew her as "Jesus Lady." I'll explain, Kathy truly did love Jesus. In fact, she made sure that everyone she encountered knew about it. She always had shirts on that she had added on to say something about Jesus or a verse of some kind. Her forte, was crocheting. She crocheted these tiny little dolls and crosses and then just left them here and there for people. Sometimes she made them special for people. She was strange, but fairly unforgettable. A regular for sure. Everyday, sometimes twice a day she ordered a small coffee and a cookie. Everyday. And everyday she would look over the top of her glasses and say thank you always with a look on her face that said, "You kids." She walked everywhere because she had epilepsy. There was also some rumor about her skills in skateboarding, but I never got to witness that. She died of a seizure and - to be honest- life is better for Kathy in Heaven. (I know, I know this obvious).

I'm sorry to ramble, but it's just been on my mind for a while. It's just so strange to lose a customer. Because I feel the loss, but I was such a passive part of her life that it's hard to know what to feel. I realize I don't need permission to feel anything, but its complex. Part of me wanted to write this blog to honor Kathy with some words because I'm fairly certain that her life was lived quietly and mostly unrecognized. I'm glad that I met Kathy. As not into crazy-about-Jesus-gonna-make-sure-you-know-it people I am, I truly believed that Kathy served the Lord whole heartedly. I hope she made Him a tiny little crocheted doll. She really is livin the dream.

So, here's to you Kathy. And life goes on for us at the M. But certainly we won't forget. Just somethin' to think about.

grown-up steps.

2008-04-08T14:50:00.001-07:00

Big news here in the Cork household: We bought a car! Our first car as a married couple! We're pretty excited about it. It's a cute little 2001 Passat in lovely condition. I've never had this nice of a car in my whole life!

Anyway, I just thought I'd tell everyone the news. It was a big deal. We had to get a loan all by ourselves and everything. The loan thing makes me a little nervous because I'm fairly protective of money, BUT this will be great. We're really excited about it and feel very grown-up with such an awesome car. SO if you happen to be in the market for a 1999 Honda Civic - give us a call! For pictures see Ryan's blog. Yay!

have your cake.

2008-04-04T14:28:00.001-07:00

I have a very sweet husband. Some girls talk about how their husbands are lazy or just don't "get it" or various other common stereotypes of husbands. My husband is not that way. Ryan LOVES to be a husband and it seems to be his constant to goal to try and accomplish all the things that "Good husbands" do. In fact, he will often say to me, "Claire, don't you think I'm just the best husband?" Which of course my response is a resounding yes.

Last night I was working as I do every Thursday night. Ryan and I grabbed some dinner before because, on another note, we are still terrible at buying groceries that make meals. Anyway, the grabbing dinner experience didn't end as well as one would have hoped and we both left with a little bit of hurt feelings. I got a text later asking me what my favorite kind of cake was for a survey. About 4 hours later Ryan and Phil came marching into The Flying M with a giant platter in hand holding a warm, frosted carrot cake. I wish I could have taken a picture of Ryan's face. He was so proud. He had spent the last 4 hours making, from scratch a carrot cake for me. With cream cheese frosting and all. Can you believe that? He graded the carrots and made the frosting all by himself. I was impressed. He's quite the little baker.

So, nothing of real substance today. I just wanted to show off my husband a little bit. He's very wonderful to me and just amazing at taking care of me. I wouldn't have it any other way. Cheers to Mark and Jacque for raising such a sweet boy.

enable.

2008-04-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

I work at a coffee shop. In that coffee shop I see many people. I interact with them, serve them, take their orders. And to be honest I'm getting pretty tired of it. People just aren't very nice, is the thing. And as each day passes it seems to bother me more and more. Here's why:

I feel like in the customer service realm we are constantly told that the customer is, of course, always right. I have to disagree. There are instances when customers are BLATANTLY wrong. For example, a woman approached the counter today after ordering, threw her to-go bag of food on the counter and said, "I wanted a turnover, not a scone." My co-worker Nathan then responded, "Oh, you said scone" which she just returned a, "No." Nathan had no problem with giving this woman the correct piece of food, but our customer could never have been at fault, for she should be always right. Right? The fact is, this woman was paying so little attention to her interaction with us at the counter that she couldn't even faintly recall saying "scone" instead of "turnover." Just to be clear - it was certain between Nathan and I that this woman said scone, not turnover. I could give you countless examples of similar situations - people being jerks because of a mistake they made in the ordering process.

At what point do we stop enabling people to blame all their actions on other people? I realize that it would be inappropriate for me to correct each person's mistake, but I feel like there should be a time for me, the server, to say to the customer - I'm sorry, you're incorrect. I just think that we (the world) enable people to be as self-interested and absorbed as possible. When is it right to say - "Hey! Don't talk to me like that!" Don't I have the right to be treated reasonably? For heavens sake, I'm giving these people a cup of coffee! They don't NEED this coffee, it's not something they're investing in - it's a beverage! So just chill out, slow down and order.

I'm about ready to snap at the next guy that pushes my buttons.

P.S. next time you order your medium caramel latte with an extra shot, could you just say hello to your barista first? They'd appreciate it. We're not machines.

upstairs.

2008-03-28T18:38:00.001-07:00

The girl upstairs has been playing the guitar for the past 3 hours. It sounds terrible. She keeps stopping and starting. Neighbors are not our friends. Not even a little.

ethics-kid.

2008-03-28T11:09:00.001-07:00

Well, it's Friday of the first week back. Not bad. I just found out this week that there are only about 23 school days left in the year. So that's encouraging to know. I think Ryan might actually finish this semester WITHOUT a chapel fine, believe it or not. It may be the first time. There's a big Art vs. Music Kickball game today at 5:30. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but I'll be there. Livin' that kickball dream. I hope someone videotapes.

So I had Ethics this morning. I really enjoy the class and often leave feeling very challenged and motivated. It's been nice to learn and think about some really crucial ideas about morality. However, there are some people in that class that drive me nuts! Today one kid in particular. You know those people who feel like it is necessary to say something about everything in a way that indicates they, in fact, know all there is to know? This kid was one of those. And I can almost guarantee that he does NOT know all that he thinks he does. First of all, he is a freshman. Not that I devalue freshman in any way, but when you are in a room with mostly people older than yourself I would say it would bode well for you to take into consideration the older views. Right? Anyway, this kid just starts going off about how its IMPOSSIBLE for America to ever change, that people are ALWAYS selfish because they will NEVER see past themselves, it's JUST human nature. All spoken as fact. He's obviously trying to play the role of total realist who see's the world just how it is - he doesn't need to "dress it up". That kind of attitude drives me nuts. Especially, as a Christian (both he and I). I mean, how will the world ever change if even Christian people think there is no hope for change in the world?? The one thing that gets me most is that this kid would probably argue that he really does believe that people can change, but he was "just saying." I just feel like a lot of times that's the problem. How can change occur when everyone is speaking in negatives? Words are not just words. We live by words! A majority of our lives or formed by what we say and hear said. You can't just assume that saying people are always going to be selfish and are incapable of acting altruistically has no effect on those that hear you. Who is this kid to even say things like that?

Then I thought, that kid's god must be pretty small. Because my God is way bigger than any selfish human desires. My God can change the world. And probably that is what it boils down to. Speaking in the way that this kid spoke really makes God sound so much less capable. It scares me when we limit God so much. There is not limit with Him. So why do we say that He can only work in certain ways? In certain surroundings? Only as far as human boundaries? Something to think about.

Anyway, sorry for the long blog and somewhat confusing middle section. Blogs are for venting right? :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

recap.

2008-03-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd talk a little bit about my past week. First of all, it was great to surprise my father-in-law for his fiftieth birthday. We got him good. I just love a good surprise. Especially when it involves a Cork. One thing I've learned about our two families is that my family will jump at any chance to catch someone off guard. We just love that element of suspense. The Cork side, however, seems to like things a bit more planned out. So, needless to say, it was pretty awesome to see Mark jump up with complete confusion and joy. Love it.

Second, being in Kansas made moving there in 3 months a little bit more of a reality and to be honest it was hard. I'm not sure that I really fit in there and there's so much that I am going to have to learn. You have to understand, I've never moved - not that I can recall at least - so leaving the only place I've ever lived is kind of a big deal. Olathe is big... well, bigger than Nampa. And there are like millions of roads to remember and just when I think I've got it, I'm completely lost. I know I'm going to be calling Ryan some days just crying because I have no idea where I am. Really, I'm afraid. And sad. I love my family and my dear friends. I'll be leaving at some of the most pivotal points of their lives and I'm afraid I'll miss it. I've never had to make new friends and I'm afraid doing so will present a much bigger challenge than I wish it would be. I'm trying so hard to know that God is bigger than it all, but I'm realizing that my heart is a little heavy knowing I'll be leaving so... leaving indefinitely. So with that said, I think it's almost time to start learning to say goodbye - not all the way, just not holding so tight. Bear with me.

Third, Easter was yesterday. I love Easter. I spent the first little bit of it on a plane, starting at 5 in the morning Kansas time which is 4 in Idaho. We were exhausted and even after taking a 3 hour nap still mananged to sleep in today until 10. But that's not the subject. Easter. Every year my church puts on this pageant called No Greater Love. NGL (as us old timers call it) has become such an integral part of my Easter season and I love it. It's cheesy and it's a little over dramatic, but in the end I'm always reminded of how awesome a God I serve. A God that lives. I just think that's amazing. I've been reading a Donald Miller book in which he talks about a relational God. How humans have always and continually pursue a relationship with the Creator and how He longs for the same. A perfect reminder in this season that our relationship with God is not inanimate, but active and living and real. I'm just really thankful for that.

Happy Easter everyone!

america. the beautiful.

2008-03-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with thoughts that things are going to start to go really terribly really soon. Sometimes they're strictly about my life, but sometimes they extend to worldly concerns and the other night one of these overwhelming experiences occurred. It was about America.

There's a lot of stuff going on right now in this here country, you know? War, poor economy, high gas prices, depletion of all our resources, lots of people hate us, the list goes on and on. So, the other night I was laying in bed when I decided that I think I'm fairly concerned about all this. All of a sudden I could just see America being taken over by another country and really making us pay for all the resources we've used and money we owe. I realize this may sound a bit dramatic and I'm not trying to make it sound creepy in any way. I just feel a little helpless knowing that so much is going on that could really potentially end poorly for us. I'm kind of afraid. I am really hoping to be proved wrong. Really really.

To be honest, I don't really know what the purpose of this post is. I just wanted to vocalize those thoughts to this blog. Maybe that is just all to say I shouldn't watch the news as much. It's depressing.

this is our bed.

2008-03-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

here is a not very good picture of our very awesome bed. It's kind of hard to really capture it since our room is too small to get a picture of the whole bed. but oh well. i love it and it's awesome. built by scott seward.

a bed and spring break.

2008-03-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

FIRST. happy day we got a bed! The other night my dear brother Scott brought over the newly finished bed he has been working on for a couple of weeks. It's quite spectacular. I'd even venture to say that it may be one of the sweetest beds I have ever seen. Sleeping away from the ground has been a nice addition to the week as well. As trivial as it may seem, I feel a little more grown up and married style with a real bed. I like it.

SECOND. Spring break has finally arrived and the amount of excitement and relief that I am experiencing is immeasurable. For some reason this long stretch of the semester has just felt endless and not very fun. I gladly welcome the chance to spend time with family and not be working. It's been interesting because since we have found out that we will be moving to Kansas this summer my job and school have just had a lot less appeal. Before I had no real feelings against either. I really love my job, but for some reason I'm ready to get time away from there. I'm sure these feelings will subside once I'm feeling quite lonely in Kansas. We'll see.

Either way. I'm so happy to be taking some time to chill out. Praise God for beds and spring breaks!

My house smells.

2008-03-11T17:57:00.000-07:00

No seriously. I feel like every time I walk into this place all I smell is something I don't want to my house to smell like. Don't get the wrong idea, my house doesn't smell because there are piles of trash everywhere and we do laundry maybe once a month. No, no, I assure you that is not that problem (nor is that true). The most probable cause of this said smell is the lack of space we have. I am estimated that our apartment is just about 300-400 square feet. Therefore, when even one little scrap of food goes into the trash can its lovely aroma fills the air. Do we have a garbage disposal you ask? Ah, yes. Yes, we do. Unfortunately sticking things in it turns out to be less convenient then one would hope since we have to eventually stick our hands in it days later and dig out everything that went down.

These are the joys of living in a small apartment. To be honest, I'm a little ready to get out of here. No complaints about our state of living by any means, it is just sufficiently inconvenient. The way that every time one article of clothing or piece of paper touches the ground the entire house is instantly in need of cleaning. I think these sudden feelings of claustrophobia in my home are just anticipations of spring. I LOVE this sun we've been seeing.

So get outside! It'll make you more tolerant of your current state.

devote.

2008-03-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

DEVOTE. is written on two post-it notes stuck together on my nightstand. Since we have yet to get our bed off the floor these post-its are right at my eye level when I lay down to go to bed each night. I've written this small reminder to myself because for lent I decided that I would faithfully do a devotional before bed every night and that I would take it seriously. I say "take it seriously" because I'm using a book and many times these books that lay out how our thoughts are supposed to go during time spent with God get discounted for their lack of... something. So here I am, this 5th week of lent, thinking about my devoting experience.

Having been a Christian in a Christian home my whole life silly things like devotional books never really seem to cut it. I've bought several (you know the ones I'm talking about. Each day of the month laid out. Step-by-step instructions) and every time I start them I just get bored and stop reading them. But this experience has been different for me. I can't say it's because of this remarkable book that I found, but I feel like it's because of the commitment I made for the season. I enjoy the book, but more importantly I'm taking it seriously. When it says pray, I pray. When it says read the passage again, I read it again. A lot of times I feel reluctant to do what it says because I feel like I got it the first time just fine. Or maybe I'll just pray later and give what it said a little thought. I'm just wondering if sometimes long-time Christians feel exempt from the simplicity of something as fundamental as devotions? Because the reality is that these past 5 weeks of devoting have really been great for me. My determination to gain something from what I read and what I pray has in fact helped me gain something. Devotions are such a hit or miss deal. But sometimes I wonder if we set them up for failure before we even open the book (any book).

Anyway, give it a try. Pull out a devotional that you might have dismissed before. And follow it's direction. Pray when it says pray. See how being willing to follow through on the simple tasks turns out to be fairly rewarding as far as bring Christ to the forefront of your thoughts. It did mine.