Friday, April 23, 2010

a word on fear. again.

A two month blog absence? That hardly seems possible. I really do enjoy writing on my blog, but I will admit that it gets bumped down on my list of priorities fairly quickly. Truth be told, I'm a homeowner now! And I've got homeowner business to attend to! Nevertheless. I will blog-on.

You might be curious about some Lent follow-up. So. I'll tell ya. I've thought about how to put this into words that sound really great, but every time I sit down to do so all I can come up with are pretty ordinary sounding ones. So ordinary it is.

I gave up fear arrogantly. I thought my very act of sacrifice and intentional focus on God's protection and reign over my life would solve all my troubles. What I didn't consider was the underlying issue. I didn't consider that my Lenten plan, maybe wasn't the same one the Lord had in mind. He knows my heart so much better than I do. Haven't I figured that out by now?

In my journey past fear I found disbelief. I found myself doubting that God would protect me at all. My life's experience has shown me that things just happen sometimes. Death, hurt, depression. Happens to everyone. I'm not exempt. I felt conflicted that just because I called out to God he would swoop in and save me from danger. Why would He do that for me? Who am I to be saved?

As with many things in life, I had to make a decision. Just like following Christ and believing that He is Truth is a choice, a decision -- so is believing that He called us to not be afraid and living a life that embraces those words. The beauty of these last couple of weeks has been that I have been so incredibly busy that I haven't even had time to be afraid! That may sound silly, but it's true. I've come to realize that spending too much time dormant and stuck inside my tiny little home allows for a lot of time to become paranoid and think up crazy scenarios that are highly unlikely to play out. God did indeed create us to be active members of society. And it has been such a blessing to be busy and exhausted the last month.

Do I still get afraid when I shower? Yes. Do I jump at noises downstairs in the night? Yes. But I do believe that the Lord is with me. That whatever comes I will endure because He is faithful. He is my provider. If I believe that in all other circumstances, then it is true even in my fear.