He is good.

I don't usually know where the Lord is leading me, but I feel Him pulling me along. And that feels good. Not all the sorrow in life is gone. Not even most of it. But I feel the tow of faithfulness – His strength pulling me through all the murkiness. Waves of grace and gratitude surge in my heart because I know the He is good.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God to Thee.
How great Thou art, How great Thou art. 

Usually.

Usually, I write at the end. Usually I like to sit down at the keyboard with a nice, neat package of thoughts that will knowingly end with a conclusion. Usually.

But sometimes, that's not how life goes. Sometimes life comes at me in such a way that the neat package I aim for isn't in the foreseeable future. And so sometimes, I write pre-emptively.

This is such a time.

I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I really wouldn't. I don't only see the lousy things in life. And I really don't try to spin everything in a harsh light. But it happens. So I would just like to say that this is not my sometimes seemingly pessimistic nature talking.

Lately, I've been so engulfed by despair. There are days... weeks... months even that feel like the only things to know about are the awful things. Not even the weather has anything pleasant to offer. This is where I find myself. In a pit. A deep, dark, sad pit. I have been overcome with grief for the world and for groups of people that I don't know at all. So many stories keep coming to my knowledge - via Facebook, my news page, friends, etc. - that were full of circumstances that I just can't even begin to wrap my mind around. Those stories where you just can't even utter words because they are insanely inadequate for the amount of pain that exists. Being a mother has amplified some of these stories a million-fold because all of a sudden it's occurring to me that these stories are of people's children. Each story happens to a person with a mother. And somewhere that mother is aching for the pain of her child. And somewhere another mother is crying with her. That mother is me. Just cryin'. Cryin' all the time.

So there I was with this pit and the grief and the crying and as hard as I tried to pull myself together, I couldn't. The despair in the world right now is overtaking my emotions. It's filling up all the unoccupied spaces in my mind. And it's getting so, so hard to see the light. And then, shortly after I confided in some friends I hear resounding echoes of the same feelings. It's not just me. We're here in this life as Christ followers. Meant to be walking in a life that is full of light. We are the light on a stand! We are Hands and Feet! But the pit is overtaking us. The hope. The light. It seems, well, dim. Far away. For the first time in my life, I'm struggling to reconcile the brokenness of the world and the goodness of God. I don't even like typing those words.

There is this, however. Since saying it out loud it has been made clear that this is a cry of many hearts. Maybe a cry of an entire generation. Maybe a cry of much, much more than that. A cry for Hope. The devil would have us believe that there is no hope left to be found. He would have us thinking that Good News is a thing of the past. I know in my heart that is profoundly false. I know that I have experienced the goodness of God over and over again and I KNOW that He wins. But now, in this particular season, where bad news and hard stories just keep coming in waves it's hard to remember.

So here is my plea. I believe that this stirring in me and the stirring I've heard in others is a stirring of Hope. I believe that Jesus wants to make things new and I believe it starts with me. With you. And because I have no solo ability whatsoever to accomplish anything even remotely close to bringing Hope to a hopeless generation I'm praying. That's it. That's the place I've arrived. I'm putting it out there on the world wide web (well, the 5 of you reading, at least. hi mom!) and asking you to join me. Even if it's just ten of us. Maybe we could pray into the Hope of Jesus being restored to a broken, sad world. Together. I think that's the idea of this life anyway. Restoration. Togetherness. You know, those things. And in doing so maybe we will stir the hearts of others. And maybe that stirring will be the thing that starts it all. Do you think that's possible? For just a few of us to start something huge? I do. I think we may never even know it, but it might start with us. Because isn't the truth that even the smallest moves we make in the name of Jesus have everlasting effects in the Kingdom?

I told you. No neat packages on this one. But I do feel like God is leading me along. My confidence is in His faithfulness. And I know this isn't a typical post, but I wanted to encourage you and ask you to lean into Hope. Pray into it. And we'll see what great things are in store.

for me.

It's been so long since I've written that they changed the interface of blogspot. Oops? That happens to me a lot. I buy products and take forever to use them, then go back to the store to buy it again months (or years) later and they've changed the packaging. I don't feel that bad about it. All in good time.

Lately, I've been thinking about God's voice and what it sounds like. And also what it doesn't sound like. One of the ways I feel God speak to me is through the wind. Often times I'll pray outside and many times the wind feels like it moves with me. Like as I speak to Jesus, He answers with a breeze. I like it. Have you ever felt that whisper that comes from Jesus? I don't think there's anything in this world like it. It takes my breath away. He always speaks in a whisper. Just for me.

And then there's the thing that's not God's voice. Ryan and I have had to identify this in our lives and recently found ourselves needing to do so more than once. The devil is tricky. It would be nice, I think, if his voice sounded like metal grinding together. Or even if it sounded real raspy and fire-breathing. That way we would know right away that we were being fooled! But alas, it does not. No. Instead it sounds a lot like me.

As I was trying to figure out ways we could save money if I worked less I kept coming back to how our quality of life just wouldn't be as good. And how realistically it just wouldn't work. Not without being miserable. And that if I'm honest with myself about the logistics of working part-time it just equals a lot of unhappiness. And do I really want to be unhappy? There was a point when that was just healthy counter-thinking. But then it turned to a really convincing place. And all at once I realized that all of that "logical" thinking was all just a bit of silliness, really. Because money doesn't make us happy. And the true reality of our circumstance is that Jesus has provided for our needs more times than I can count so why wouldn't He do that for us now? I felt so con-ed. I truly had this epiphany that said, "That sneaky devil just tried to convince me that I couldn't work part time to be with my son because of a reason that I came up with. He used me!" (I wish we could see our faces when we have these realizations. They're probably funny.)

I'm so glad that Jesus never lets us take credit for His voice. When I hear a word from the Lord, I never think it's my idea. When I hear Jesus say, "You'll be taken care of." That never feels like something of my own accord. It feels Holy and quiet and just for me.

So this is me telling the Devil that I found him out. I see his tricky game and I say back that My Jesus is greater. His love is stronger. And he will take of us.

lessons for my boy.

I've found myself thinking about being a parent quite a bit since I've been with child and all. I thought maybe I'd write a few of things down that I hope to teach my boy someday. This could come in a few installments. And might not matter to any of you, but golly it's my blog so I get to do whatever I want. :)


1. The world might try to convince you that cynicism is normal and just a way of life and that you're naive if you're anything but cynical. It's not and you're not. There's all kinds of hope in life to find.

2. You don't need an iPhone. Or an iPad. or an iPod. or an iMac. But if you do get one, remember what a blessing it is to have such nice things.

3. Loving people well will inevitably separate you from a majority of your friends. But don't stifle the goodness you have to offer the world. Your joy will be much greater in life if you care for people.

4. Watch your dad. He's more of man than most "manly men" will ever be.

5. Work hard doing whatever you do and do it the best you know how. A simple work ethic speaks volumes. And gets promotions.

6. Turn the water off when you brush your teeth, for goodness sake. You should see how far African children have to walk to get their water. Be respectful of the incredible resources we have in America.

7. You'll learn sarcasm from your mother. Use it sparingly.

8. You will likely grow up in a world of "church" that looks very different from what your parents grew up in. I hope you learn to value what it means to bring the good news of Jesus to everyone in your life. I hope you see it modeled in us.

9. Make friends. Simple enough really. But sometimes it's easier to not have friends than it is to maintain relationships. Deep friendships bring about some of the most bountiful blessings. It's worth the effort.

10. You will be silly. I feel it is certain. You will learn most of that from your father. Embrace that. It's what people will love about you.

With love and hope,
your mother

(Sorry if that took things to a weird level for everyone. It's the metamorphosis of motherhood! )

our wait.

You might recall a while back when I wrote this entry about waiting. It was nearly one year ago that the Lord began to saturate my world with the charge to wait. Wait, for what, we weren't sure. At the time, our life seemed to really be caving in. Ryan and I weren't getting along, his work situation was getting increasingly difficult and the plans we had sort of made for our life weren't really connecting the way we saw them going when we got married in 2007. You'll recall that I wasn't super enthused about this "waiting" because it really didn't feel like an answer. In some ways it felt like prolonged despair. However, we were hopeful and certain that our waiting would be a testament of faith and I guess what I want to share with you now is how, indeed, the Lord is faithful.

Shortly after I shared that post in November we really felt like things were getting better. We had started to really immerse ourselves in our church community. We found ourselves in more leader-type roles pretty quickly and realized that this movement that we were a part of was really more of a lifestyle than an activity. This felt like good progress. It wasn't a solution to Ryan's career, but it was an indication that there was hope to be a part of something that was greater than our world and a place that we could put energy into something Kingdom worthy rather than worldly gratifying.

Ryan had also started to pursuit the idea of finding different employment and by the first of the year had a couple of interviews lined up. Neither of those came to fruition. That was confusing and disappointing because it seemed like such a great thing at the time to even find a great place that was hiring and that really loved Ryan, but something just didn't sit will with him and he ended up not taking those positions. In the meantime, things had seemed to improve at his current spot and we were grateful for that.

As we've looked back on it now, we're realizing that in the early months of this year we had figured our wait was over. That our answer was our community. Ryan's job hadn't really gotten much better, but we assumed that the end of the wait was finding ourselves as a bigger part of this community and just managing the frustrations of the other stuff. Even just writing that out makes me realize how small I can make God sometimes.

Months passed from the time I decided that the whole "waiting" thing was all said and done to the time that it, well, wasn't. Till right now. Truthfully, I didn't even think about it that much. There was a baby to think about and my own job. And then everything exploded. Literally. Bombs. Okay, not literally. But in the figurative life-sense, things exploded. All at once on a day and at a time in life that we truly had no intention or idea that things would change - they did. In three days, Ryan left his job without having any plans set-up for the next step. Visions of my life as a mother working 3 jobs to make ends meet after we sell our home and all of our possessions while Ryan found a job at the local 7-eleven and we eat fried bologna for dinner flashed through my mind. (What a life, huh?) While I would have persevered through a lifestyle like that (and have great admiration for those whose reality that is), that's not where we ended up. Instead in one week Ryan called every connection he had and set-up meetings with them. Suddenly, he was getting offers to work freelance jobs for some quick cash almost everyday which paid for the time he was unemployed almost entirely. And at the end of his first week of leaving his job he had a pretty certain offer on the table for a position that didn't even exist until recent months by a company who loves Jesus.

Ryan started his new job on October 1. He works for a company who is really, really excited about getting behind the things that we're trying to do in our community. They pursued him. And they truly like and appreciate who he is. You should see the way the God of all hope and peace has grown the heart of my husband. And you should see how happy he is. It's a little overwhelming to think about. Overwhelming and really beautiful.

My humanity often gets in the way of God's extravagance. I don't think I'm gonna say that our wait is over because the Lord's blessings never cease and my expectancy to see Him move should really never wane. Waiting doesn't always have to be uncomfortable. It can be hopeful excitement. Should be, perhaps.

We have a little expression in our community after we tell a story like this and it's, "He can do the same for you too." So. This is my story and God can do the same for you too. Just wait.

hello, again.

I think I have officially lost my title as "blogger" with an apparent 8 month absence. How on earth 8 months have passed since my last entry is just an unsolvable mystery to me. Why does time change when you become an adult? We'll never know.

Hello friends. Or perhaps you've all moved on. Regardless. Hello. So many new adventures have begun in life for most of the world since December. New jobs, new babies, new homes, new cities. I think I've spent most of this current year marveling in the journey of The Corks. I'm sure I've expressed this before, but I am truly amazed at the Lord's provisions in our life from the beginning of our marriage in 2007. From heartbroken to healed. And now so blessed with a community that loves us and a baby on the way that will grow up in our cute little home. I can hardly believe it. I can say with 100% truth that in the summer of 2008 I would have told you that the feelings of wholeness and joy that I feel now were impossible and unattainable. Praise the Lord this was false.

What's more in this world of constant change is that this week Ryan and I made the difficult decision to leave his job. With the baby due to arrive in early February this is a little bit of a scary scenario, but we both feel a profound sense of rightness that we're trusting is God at work in really beautiful ways. I'm learning the truth that God is always good. And He always wants good for us. So rather than dwelling on the possible (and perhaps likely?) negative outcomes that might come from a move like this I'm clinging to the hope that God is always good. I'm reading a book right now called One Thousand Gifts (thanks, mom) and there's a chapter that talks about how Hagar forgot about the well God had shown her before and nearly died before remembering that the well was there. God always provides the well. The well is always there, the author reminds me. So my eyes are focused on the well in front of me. The one full of the hope of the future and the goodness of God. The one that doesn't allow us to go thirsty.

Maybe you'd want to just pray with us as we search for work? And as we prepare for this little guy? And in the end we'll add it to our storybook. The one about how God provides. What a great story we have to tell. It's the good news, really, our story. So we'll tell it for a lifetime and give God all the glory. I think that's a fine idea.

my name.

I have a favorite Christmas song. Well. I have many favorites. But in particular I have one that I could say is a favorite of the favorites. This is remarkable for me because I don't claim to possess the decisive qualities which are essential in picking favorites. But alas, I have come to a decision.

It's called Joseph's Lullaby. And boy, let me tell ya, this song gets me. Every. Single. Time. But recently I've discovered and even greater love for this song. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago Ryan's sister had a little, tiny baby boy. I love babies at Christmas time. I love babies all the time, really, but Christmas time is such a wonderful time for a baby to be born, I think. Shortly after our nephew was born we were spending some time with him. I was holding him watching his every little move. So dependent on his parents. But so full of life and hope of things to come. And in those moments I found myself so swept away that Jesus was a baby. A wiggly little squishy baby. And Mary held him so close. Looked into his sweet face and knew the hope of every nation was wrapped up in her son. Can you imagine?? Gah. Just blows me away.

I guess what gets me about babies and Christmas is that it's such an incredible reminder of how human Jesus was. That He came as a baby, dependent on his parents for life and grew into a man that changed the world. I'm so thankful for that tiny baby - Emmanuel. God, with us

But back to the song. We were driving home from that time spent with Tobin (my nephew) and I was thinking about this song and how much more I was loving it after spending time with him. So we just went ahead and listened to it. And at the end there's a line that says, "Oh, my Jesus, sleep tight". Generally, when Jesus' name is used in songs it's more of a proclamation. A cry out to him, you know? But it just got me in this song that it wasn't a praise to a distant man. It was a father speaking his son's name as he held his brand new baby. Oh, my Jesus, sleep tight. There's just nothing more powerful than your name whispered from the mouth of someone that loves you. And I mean really loves you. You know in that moment that you're worth something. That out of a crowd someone picks you out.

The best part is that hearing Joseph, Jesus' father, speak his son's name is really beautiful. But it's also a really, really beautiful example of how The Father speaks our names. And loves us even deeper than a mother and father.

It's been a year full of unexpected circumstances. And saying I'm thankful doesn't even come close to being adequate, but I'm so thankful the God of hope knows my name.

Merry, merry Christmas to each of you.

Check that song out here.