speak.

I believe in the power of the spoken word. I'm a pretty big advocate for it actually. I believe that our relationships and day to day interactions with one another are largely affected and influenced by the words we speak. More importantly, I believe in saying what you mean and only that. I'll try to explain. 

When I was younger I didn't have a firm grasp on this subject. In fact, I prided myself on being outspoken... about pretty much everything. I've always had a very passionate heart and I generally have a hard time staying quiet when something that makes my heart beat harder by the second is being tossed around within a group of people. I think in my younger days most people would use the word "opinionated" to describe me. Always having something to say. I actually witnessed an adult say out loud to another adult right in front of me that I "had a very big mouth." I would argue that that was a stretch. Anyway, the point is that I didn't understand what it meant to be careful to say what you mean and I definitely couldn't grasp the idea that maybe my words hurt other people. I'm fairly certain my mom was constantly trying to help me understand this. 

I remember the day I saw who I had been all those years. It was sometime during the first years of high school. Some friends and I had decided to watch old videos of our church musicals and at the end were some silly, random moments of which I was featured in one. I cannot tell you how embarrassed I was as I watched my annoying little 6th grade self speak so critically and disrespectfully to my children's pastor. In seconds I saw why people said what they had about my attitude at times. I could only imagine how many people I must have offended every time I used that tone of voice. The tragedy of it, however, was that the words I was saying weren't the same things I was feeling. My heart would say I loved being a part of something, but my words would say something sarcastic. But I'm sure most people picked up on my heart words mostly, right? Wrong. 

Since that night I have strived to speak in the same way my heart speaks. It takes time. And many times I had to learn to say nothing at all because I couldn't figure out how to say the right thing. Don't take this the wrong way. It isn't that I just shut up for the rest of my life, but I saw and heard how harsh and ineffective I had used my words in the past and part of the road to changing that was sometimes learning to not say anything at all. I've had to convince a lot of old friends that I am not the person I used to be. It's been an interesting journey. 

I think learning to say what my heart feels has been one of the most healing and renewing journeys in my life. This blog and writing words down in general have been such helpful tools in pushing me to very intentionally think about what I really have to say. To form my thoughts completely. Because in the end I want the people I love and just people in general to know exactly who I am. And what a greater way to show them then through my words? I want to be able to communicate in a way that doesn't have to be translated through a slew of sarcasm and witty remarks. (To be clear, I am both sarcastic and witty but there is a time and a place for both). 

I hope that wasn't just totally random and confusing. It may be a better conversation for real life rather than blog life. That is all for now. I'd encourage you to speak the words of your heart. You won't regret it. 

I don't think. :)