some truth.

Who's up for a trip back to africa? Just thought of it today and want to go back. So I thought I'd post a picture. Anyway....

I think I've always been a little grown-up for my age. Being the youngest gives me certain advantages that the other kids didn't have and one of those is a perspective of life that is a little... wiser maybe or more long-term than others my age. Anyway, sometimes I go through things I've written and other miscellaneous items and I'm always amazed at some of the things I have said. And I find it so interesting that I find these things when I need them the most and it always catches me off guard. 

In the last couple years of high school I wrestled a lot with my spirituality and my religion. This crazy boy in my life challenged a lot of things that I accepted as truth for all my years. Everyone goes through this stage of life. The transition between your knowing your parent's truths and finding your own. So after months and maybe years of sorting these feelings out I decided that I wanted to write down what I believed. I wanted to be able to form complete, concrete thoughts about all the things I believed in. The reason I'm bringing this up now is because I just found the file on my computer and it was really good for me to read it again. If you're ever lookin for a bit of a challenge I'd encourage you to write down what you believe. It's harder than you think. 

I thought I'd share a couple of the things I found. Because... that's what we do. We share with each other. So here you go. 

I believe that God is the one, true Savior. He died because of His passionate, intense love for His people, He was the ultimate sacrifice for our sin and remains that sacrifice today. I believe that while on earth, Jesus’ main goal was to love all people, regardless of who they were. This love also set an example for all followers to come. Our deepest mission is to Love each other.

In a generation and movement that are so focused on love I believe that there are some things missing. I think the general mission of being able to love everyone around us and accept everyone is an excellent one, but love without God is empty. As Christians we are to love like Jesus did and in that love we give God the credit, the glory. Too many times people leave out God when He should be the goal. Love alone does not bring a world together in Christ, Love through God does. 

I believe in forgiveness. I believe that God desires for us to come to Him with everything, unashamed. God can give us new life and when we come to Him with our crap He can take it all away. However, I believe that along with God’s forgiveness there has to be restoration. We have to allow ourselves to be healed and work to grow from our past. Forgiveness can only truly begin to take shape in our lives if we allow it to transform us to become the people God made us to be.

I am a Christian. I claim Christianity not as a group of people with restrictions and a precise set of beliefs, but as one that is focused on becoming more and more like Christ. To be a Christian is to live like Jesus lived. I love what Rob Bell says, “Christian is a great noun, but a terrible adjective.”  I want my actions to reflect those of Christ’s. It would be truly incredible if Christianity could be transformed to look more like Christ and less like… it is now. 

The last one seemed to call out to me this week because sometimes I think I avoid the label of Christian at risk of people to thinking I'm some sort of crazy person all tied up in religion. But then to never claim that I am Christian - that is, a Christ-follower - I run the risk of living my whole life without people knowing that I do what I do and I am what I am because of my Savior's deep, deep love for me. You know? 

It was good to hear my 2006-self say those words. It gave me a sense of renewal and I appreciate that. 

interstate 435.

I was running around the other day doing some errands and the craziest thing happened. I was on one side of town and needed to get to the other side, so what did I do? I hopped on the 435 and was there in no time. What's the big deal, right? I'll tell ya! I don't drive on the freeway as an everyday means of transportation. In fact, altogether in the last year this was the 4th time I've driven on the freeway. For one, there are like 3 freeways here compared to the one in Idaho. So I've been at risk of getting on one and taking myself to who knows where. Two, these freeways don't just go in one straight line like I-84. They're all big and there are all these things you have to do to insure that you're not accidentally getting on one freeway from another. It's all a big t0-do really. So you can see why I stick to surface streets, right? But not the other day. The other day I took the dive. 

After I was done with my errands, almost back to my house I realized that what I did was pretty major. Part of my not going on the freeway I think was in part of little bit of me just rejecting all things Kansas. It sounds silly, I'm sure, that a roadway system is infiltrating my thoughts this much. But just deciding to brave the freeway and be a real kansan felt like I was starting to get over all that silly stuff.  And mainly what I realized is that I'm happy here for right now and I think I've been happy for a while. It has just been hard to embrace that because how do you embrace happiness here while still remembering it there? Do you understand what I mean? Maybe it's a silly train of though since I should just be happy about being happy. There is just something inside of me that is afraid of forgetting Idaho. Because I love Idaho. And I still miss it terribly. I miss my family and my friends and my school. But I like living here. What I really want is for the two to be one, you see? I don't see an issue with that. :) 

This is me on a good day of course. Somedays are not good days and I want to go back to Idaho and forget about this whole thing. But right now I am thankful for this frame of mind. I've loved having Aimee home for the summer. It's so nice to have a friend! That is our next step - finding friends. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this and have said a prayer for Ryan and I as we've struggled to find our place here. Please continue to pray for us because we're not done yet! 

Hope you're having a wonderful summer. Come visit! 

here here!

Well my friends, Ryan and I are about to head to Idaho to witness the marriage of my best friends. I can't even believe this is about to happen! I'm so excited. I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into my life with Leah and Louie. I love them both and hope the return from Mexico WITHOUT swine flu. Please. 

speak.

I believe in the power of the spoken word. I'm a pretty big advocate for it actually. I believe that our relationships and day to day interactions with one another are largely affected and influenced by the words we speak. More importantly, I believe in saying what you mean and only that. I'll try to explain. 

When I was younger I didn't have a firm grasp on this subject. In fact, I prided myself on being outspoken... about pretty much everything. I've always had a very passionate heart and I generally have a hard time staying quiet when something that makes my heart beat harder by the second is being tossed around within a group of people. I think in my younger days most people would use the word "opinionated" to describe me. Always having something to say. I actually witnessed an adult say out loud to another adult right in front of me that I "had a very big mouth." I would argue that that was a stretch. Anyway, the point is that I didn't understand what it meant to be careful to say what you mean and I definitely couldn't grasp the idea that maybe my words hurt other people. I'm fairly certain my mom was constantly trying to help me understand this. 

I remember the day I saw who I had been all those years. It was sometime during the first years of high school. Some friends and I had decided to watch old videos of our church musicals and at the end were some silly, random moments of which I was featured in one. I cannot tell you how embarrassed I was as I watched my annoying little 6th grade self speak so critically and disrespectfully to my children's pastor. In seconds I saw why people said what they had about my attitude at times. I could only imagine how many people I must have offended every time I used that tone of voice. The tragedy of it, however, was that the words I was saying weren't the same things I was feeling. My heart would say I loved being a part of something, but my words would say something sarcastic. But I'm sure most people picked up on my heart words mostly, right? Wrong. 

Since that night I have strived to speak in the same way my heart speaks. It takes time. And many times I had to learn to say nothing at all because I couldn't figure out how to say the right thing. Don't take this the wrong way. It isn't that I just shut up for the rest of my life, but I saw and heard how harsh and ineffective I had used my words in the past and part of the road to changing that was sometimes learning to not say anything at all. I've had to convince a lot of old friends that I am not the person I used to be. It's been an interesting journey. 

I think learning to say what my heart feels has been one of the most healing and renewing journeys in my life. This blog and writing words down in general have been such helpful tools in pushing me to very intentionally think about what I really have to say. To form my thoughts completely. Because in the end I want the people I love and just people in general to know exactly who I am. And what a greater way to show them then through my words? I want to be able to communicate in a way that doesn't have to be translated through a slew of sarcasm and witty remarks. (To be clear, I am both sarcastic and witty but there is a time and a place for both). 

I hope that wasn't just totally random and confusing. It may be a better conversation for real life rather than blog life. That is all for now. I'd encourage you to speak the words of your heart. You won't regret it. 

I don't think. :) 

life after resurrection.

I love Easter. I think I say that about a lot of things and perhaps a lot of holidays, but I'm going to go ahead and say it again -- I love Easter! It's a weird sort of love though. Maybe more of a love-hate. Because it is sort of hard to love the betrayal and the crucifixion. I'm always so moved by this time of year, but for some reason this year it really consumed my spirit. My heart has been heavy the last two weeks thinking about Jesus' horribly painful death. 

If someone close to you at all has ever died you know the feelings of sorrow and grief that accompany the days after the event. For some reason this year more than any other those feelings overwhelmed me. And all at once I found myself wanting to prevent the events about to be observed, wishing that it didn't have to be the way it was. Even as Easter Sunday grew closer and the hope of His resurrection was in sight it still didn't feel like enough. I started to think about how I would feel in those days after Jesus' death. So consumed with this grief and shame, but then all at once He comes back! What would that have been like to process? Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure I could have been fully present a celebration of His resurrection just 3 days after He died. You know what I mean? But maybe I could have. Maybe that was a part of the glory of it all.

Nevertheless, while trying to sort all of this out in my heart I came upon a fairly simple yet redeeming idea or thought: there is life after the resurrection. I think more times than not the emphasis is on the life after death, but I'm talking about life after the resurrection and Jesus called us to take part in that life. It isn't just that after He died He rose again, but that after He rose again He still lives! And like the song says, "Because He lives I can face tomorrow." We're not meant to dwell in the dark days of holy week all year long although it is important that we recall their significance. 

After Jesus rose from the dead He charged Peter with the words, "If you love me, feed my sheep." That makes my heart pound harder, but the point is Jesus didn't ask Peter or anyone He met to recount over and over His betrayal and death. Instead, He charged each person He encountered to keep on living, to keep going and being the people that He created them to be! Disciples, teachers, bringers of truth, lovers, friends. And I want to be a part of it. 

And maybe that was obvious, but I'm okay with it. 

(Was all of that really scattered? Never can tell. )

live simply.

About a year and a half ago I went to Kenya. Let me tell you, this country changed my heart and my life. I was terrified to go because adventure is not something that I necessarily crave and this was certainly the most adventure I would encounter up to that point in my life. Nevertheless, encounter I did and I loved every minute of it. It's a beautiful country with beautiful people. 

When I got back from Africa my perception of my American lifestyle changed as I'm sure it does with most people who return from experiences like mine. With such acute awareness I saw how full of excess my life was and the potential for that excess to continue to grow. I began to find ways to consolidate and use less in all the ways I could. I really got into saving the world in terms of it's resources. I worked with my youth pastor to find ways in our church that we could be using less and recycling more. My heart was and still is passionate about spreading the word that we are capable of helping our world be healthier and longer lasting. Not just for conveniences sake, but because God gave us the gift of life on Earth! 

The week after Ryan and I got married we did something that was very unlike me. We got tattoos. As I've stated before I'm not much of a rule breaker and getting tattoos is a bit of a no-no in my world. Fortunately, my brother paved the way for shock and horror in my family so we weren't in too much trouble. WELL ANYWAY. Ryan and I had decided earlier that we wanted to have the phrase, "Live Simply." on our arms as a constant reminder that whatever our circumstance we don't need anymore than it takes just to live. Really just doing that, living simply. 

Since we've moved to Kansas I'm sorry to say that we have veered from that track a bit. Life has such a funny way of making you forget or postpone initial goals and hopes. A couple of weeks ago our pastor started his Lenten season sermon series and his first message pretty much summed up everything I believe in as far as living a simple life goes. As I sat and listened my heart just felt heavier and heavier. I began to realize that the life we had committed to living just wasn't the current life we were living. And that made me really sad. I realized that because I have been so lonely here in KS I've spent most of my time buying mindless little things that I truly do not need. Also with being surrounded by many more affluent people our scale of simple changed - and that just never crossed my mind. 

So I'm going back to my roots these days. Finding the simple life, but more than that teaching myself to enjoy it. I mean it's no secret that trying to have as little as possible means being uncomfortable sometimes and giving up a lot of want. My Lenten sacrifice was doing away with all extracurricular spending as a way to readjust myself to my life's motto. It's a bummer sometimes - like finding sweet deals at the mall today. But mostly I'd say it's a blessing. Because less stuff means less clutter which means less consumption of silly silly things. 

That is all I guess. Take heart. Find hope. Live the dream. Simply if you can. :)  

wordle.

My future brother-in-law introduced me to this site that creates an image of all the words you use most in any text you feed it. It's called a wordle. So this is the wordle of my blog. The biggest words are the words used most often and so on... 

Enjoy!