life after resurrection.

I love Easter. I think I say that about a lot of things and perhaps a lot of holidays, but I'm going to go ahead and say it again -- I love Easter! It's a weird sort of love though. Maybe more of a love-hate. Because it is sort of hard to love the betrayal and the crucifixion. I'm always so moved by this time of year, but for some reason this year it really consumed my spirit. My heart has been heavy the last two weeks thinking about Jesus' horribly painful death. 

If someone close to you at all has ever died you know the feelings of sorrow and grief that accompany the days after the event. For some reason this year more than any other those feelings overwhelmed me. And all at once I found myself wanting to prevent the events about to be observed, wishing that it didn't have to be the way it was. Even as Easter Sunday grew closer and the hope of His resurrection was in sight it still didn't feel like enough. I started to think about how I would feel in those days after Jesus' death. So consumed with this grief and shame, but then all at once He comes back! What would that have been like to process? Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure I could have been fully present a celebration of His resurrection just 3 days after He died. You know what I mean? But maybe I could have. Maybe that was a part of the glory of it all.

Nevertheless, while trying to sort all of this out in my heart I came upon a fairly simple yet redeeming idea or thought: there is life after the resurrection. I think more times than not the emphasis is on the life after death, but I'm talking about life after the resurrection and Jesus called us to take part in that life. It isn't just that after He died He rose again, but that after He rose again He still lives! And like the song says, "Because He lives I can face tomorrow." We're not meant to dwell in the dark days of holy week all year long although it is important that we recall their significance. 

After Jesus rose from the dead He charged Peter with the words, "If you love me, feed my sheep." That makes my heart pound harder, but the point is Jesus didn't ask Peter or anyone He met to recount over and over His betrayal and death. Instead, He charged each person He encountered to keep on living, to keep going and being the people that He created them to be! Disciples, teachers, bringers of truth, lovers, friends. And I want to be a part of it. 

And maybe that was obvious, but I'm okay with it. 

(Was all of that really scattered? Never can tell. )

live simply.

About a year and a half ago I went to Kenya. Let me tell you, this country changed my heart and my life. I was terrified to go because adventure is not something that I necessarily crave and this was certainly the most adventure I would encounter up to that point in my life. Nevertheless, encounter I did and I loved every minute of it. It's a beautiful country with beautiful people. 

When I got back from Africa my perception of my American lifestyle changed as I'm sure it does with most people who return from experiences like mine. With such acute awareness I saw how full of excess my life was and the potential for that excess to continue to grow. I began to find ways to consolidate and use less in all the ways I could. I really got into saving the world in terms of it's resources. I worked with my youth pastor to find ways in our church that we could be using less and recycling more. My heart was and still is passionate about spreading the word that we are capable of helping our world be healthier and longer lasting. Not just for conveniences sake, but because God gave us the gift of life on Earth! 

The week after Ryan and I got married we did something that was very unlike me. We got tattoos. As I've stated before I'm not much of a rule breaker and getting tattoos is a bit of a no-no in my world. Fortunately, my brother paved the way for shock and horror in my family so we weren't in too much trouble. WELL ANYWAY. Ryan and I had decided earlier that we wanted to have the phrase, "Live Simply." on our arms as a constant reminder that whatever our circumstance we don't need anymore than it takes just to live. Really just doing that, living simply. 

Since we've moved to Kansas I'm sorry to say that we have veered from that track a bit. Life has such a funny way of making you forget or postpone initial goals and hopes. A couple of weeks ago our pastor started his Lenten season sermon series and his first message pretty much summed up everything I believe in as far as living a simple life goes. As I sat and listened my heart just felt heavier and heavier. I began to realize that the life we had committed to living just wasn't the current life we were living. And that made me really sad. I realized that because I have been so lonely here in KS I've spent most of my time buying mindless little things that I truly do not need. Also with being surrounded by many more affluent people our scale of simple changed - and that just never crossed my mind. 

So I'm going back to my roots these days. Finding the simple life, but more than that teaching myself to enjoy it. I mean it's no secret that trying to have as little as possible means being uncomfortable sometimes and giving up a lot of want. My Lenten sacrifice was doing away with all extracurricular spending as a way to readjust myself to my life's motto. It's a bummer sometimes - like finding sweet deals at the mall today. But mostly I'd say it's a blessing. Because less stuff means less clutter which means less consumption of silly silly things. 

That is all I guess. Take heart. Find hope. Live the dream. Simply if you can. :)  

wordle.

My future brother-in-law introduced me to this site that creates an image of all the words you use most in any text you feed it. It's called a wordle. So this is the wordle of my blog. The biggest words are the words used most often and so on... 

Enjoy! 

burr.

Just when you think the worst is over. It all comes back to get you. Winter that is. This silly season just won't seem to go away! There are 2 inches of snow on the ground this morning! It was 70 degrees earlier in the week! Why is this happening?! 

The thing with snow is that it's cold. Real cold. It's pretty, but when you go out into it bites.... and that isn't fun. I think it'd be better if snow were more like.... down comforters or the batting that goes into pillows. That way when it snowed (or downed/batted in this case) we could all go outside, sit down and wrap ourselves up with the warmth of a down comforter. Doesn't that sound like a much better idea? Oh man. I love it. 

Needless to say I am a bit through with the ol' snow and general frigidity of the winter. I think everyone is. And that's just really all I wanted to say. I'm sure everyone really appreciated those wise words. 

all you need is love.

As you are all aware of, Valentine's Day was last weekend. Ryan and I don't usually make any big deal about the holiday, but we certainly welcome the chance to say I love you in an extra special way. We spent the day roaming around Kansas City with our friend Flat Stanley showing him the sights. It turned out to be a really great day and it ended with some good time spent with Ryan's parents and grandparents. Anyway, I thought I would just take this chance to mention a few of the things that I really love.  

I love my husband. This may be a given, but I truly and deeply love this man. He is such a faithful comforter when things start to overwhelm me. He makes me laugh everyday - this is something that I think God did on purpose. My life would be so much less goofy if Ryan were absent from the picture and I love the goofiness of our life together. 

I love my family. They have been a constant support system all my life and it hasn't been until that last couple of years that I have been able to understand how significant that is. Each person brings me so much joy in such different ways. 

I love my new nephew Jones AND my beautiful niece Kensie. Who knew that I could love these little children so much? I haven't even met Jones yet, but I love this baby with my whole heart. Being an aunt is a blessing. Truly. 

I love all my friends that have made sure that I know we haven't been forgotten after leaving Nampa. To know that at least one person thinks about us from time to time makes me feel so loved. And that is just a really wonderful feeling. 

I love the Lord. He is faithful, this I know. Learning to praise Him even in my hardest days here in Olathe has been a greater challenge than I have faced in a long time, but He never lets me go through too much time without giving me a reminder that He is still near. Today in chapel we sang the Doxology - I love this song and the simplicity of just giving God all our praise. I never want to stop praising Him. Ever. 

I think that probably covers it. I love the life I've been given - never perfect, but always just right I think. Hope your Valentines Day was lovely and that it overflows into all your days. 

my 25.

This is just a thing that has been going around facebook. The idea is that you have to come up with 25 things about yourself if this gets sent to you. So I filled it out. It took me quite a while so I thought it was worthy of the blogging world. 

1. I'm fairly well known for my hesitance towards change. I don't like it, I don't welcome it and I'm terrible at adjusting to it. Something I'm constantly aware of. 

2. When I was little my mom had to seek out the adult role models in my life and tell them not to egg me on because I was so sarcastic and witty that I would hurt their's and other's feelings. I was merely doing what I would do at home with my siblings, I had no idea it was inappropriate in some places. 

3. I didn't learn to really do my hair or put make-up on until I was in college and roommates with my now sister-in-law Aimee. She showed me the way. 

4. I also never owned a purse until I met Aimee. She bought me one for Christmas filled with all the things you are supposed to have in a purse. I had no idea. Now I have like 6. Unfortunately, the original purse burnt in a fire. 

5. Speaking of fires. In the course of 2 months there were 2 fires at my house. The first one I sat in for 2 hours until I realized that something was really wrong. The second one was in the garage. Lost 2 cars and a motorcycle. Bummer. 

6. I wreck vehicles. Not purposefully of course, it just happens. I had 6 cars in 4 years. Totaled 2 cars. Ran 1 into several things. Lost 1 in the fire. And 2 I actually got to sell.

7. I met my husband because he was my brother's neighbor in college. I was 16. And had a boyfriend. 

8. I hate gum. Everything about it I can't stand. People chewing it, the taste, the consistency. Gross. The very worst is when people play with their gum OR they take it out and put it on the edge of something like their plate or cup. 

9. I don't claim to be the most sympathetic person you've ever met. It's not something I'm proud of, but it doesn't come naturally to me. When Ryan and I first started dating I couldn't handle it when he got sick. It just wasn't in me to coddle him or tend to him. This is something I have gotten much better at. But still, I have to try in order to be overly sympathetic. 

10. I started drinking coffee when I was 8 years old. After all the other kids had left for school, sometimes my mom would get me up early and take me to The Yogurt Affair (a place that sadly no longer exists in Nampa) and we would get a Sugar-Free Hazelnut Latte and share it. Eventually I got my own. I still love the taste of those. 

12. The first time I got to ride on a plane was on the way to Disneyland when I was 8. Scott, Stephanie and I sat together and laughed the entire way I think. We discovered that one person could talk through the end of the headphones they gave you and you could hear it through the earpiece. We thought that was reaaaal funny. I also cried because they stopped giving peanuts as was tradition in the past and instead gave pretzels. 

13. Because of that previously mentioned peanut incident, from that point on my dad brought me home a bag of peanuts from all his trips. 

14. My dad traveled a lot for his job. Every once in a while each of the kids got to tag a long with him. I remember one very clearly. We went to lewiston. We stopped in George, WA and ate a place called Martha Inn. Then i got to sit at a trade show for the whole weekend and eat free food and get free stuff. I brought my mom home a bag of lentils. 

15. Stephanie and I shared a room for a significant portion of our lives. In that time we came up with all sorts of things. Banana baseball. In which we kept score in one of our journals and wore pajamas that looked like baseball uniforms. The bat was an inflatable banana. We also had a secret go to sleep handshake. "1-2-3 Go to sleep!" We'd shake from bed to trundle. 

16. I used to fall asleep in my dresser drawer. Steph and I shared a dresser and my drawer was on the bottom close to the floor. Every morning I would open the drawer and sit down in front of it looking at all my shirts and then I'd end up falling asleep in it. 

17. I have an incredible amount of excess skin on my body. I'm a small person, but I have more skin than anyone I know. I don't know how to explain that more in depth but it's the truth. 

18. I am a very not picky eater. I'll pretty much eat anything. And I'll clean my plate and everyone else's around me. The only thing I really can't stand to eat is beets. I hate 'em. My parents used to tell me they tasted like candy. This was false. 

19. I love my birthday. So much in fact that there used to be a rule in my house that I couldn't start talking about my birthday until January 1. 

20. When I played basketball as a kid I was terrible, terrible, terrible! I'd just get so excited when I got the ball that I'd look at my parents and forget to dribble. 

21. I'm a very loyal person. Once I've establish a meaningful bond with someone it's not likely that I will ever go away. 

22. When I'd go to the auction's with my mom, at the end my grandpa would pay Leah and I a quarter to go pick up all the trash left from the crowd. I assume this began my affinity for quarters. Oh, how i love them. I collect them and save them. If you ever leave change laying around it's likely that I'll take the quarters. Ryan gave me a box of perfume the first summer I visited Kansas and I started collecting quarters in it. Then I bought his wedding ring with them. 

23. I play the piano. A lot of people probably don't know that, but I took lessons for 11 years. My grandma first taught me and I inherited the piano I learned on. It's one of my most prized possessions. 

24. When my parents would leave and Scott and I would be home alone we would take all the cushions off the couch, take the hide-a-bed out and make a battle zone. Then we'd jump off the couch and play guns. This was definitely not allowed. 

25. Woo 25!! It seems like this should be a really good one, but all I can think of is that I love soda. And I attribute this to the lack of it in our home growing up. Since my mom couldn't have sugar and was a bit of a health nut anyway we never had soda in our home. I just figure I'm making up for lost time. 

Wow! That was long!

birthday.

It was my birthday on Tuesday. This picture is showing the surprise Ryan had for me when I woke up in the morning. There was a big square of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror and it says "Beautiful" inside. He also stuck notes all over the house with little sayings on them. Like, You're Pretty! And, We're Happy! It was funny. However, I have to say the best part was a video that Ryan put together of all the people I love the most telling me happy birthday. He apparently sent an email out to a bunch of people asking them to send him a video wishing me happy birthday and they all did! It was the best way to start my 21st birthday. Every holiday or occasion that comes along makes me miss my family of course, but It was good to just be with my husband and live the dream. At least I think that's what we're doing.  Welp, go 21!