Perhaps the real issue is not what it is I'm supposed to be doing, but what is standing in the way of me getting anywhere. In the last few months it has become evident that the biggest thing keeping my head from even thinking about changing the world is fear. I live a fearful life. And it kills me. I'm a little embarrassed to even say it. Some where along the way I've taught myself to be afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of consequences. Afraid of death. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of rejection.
Greatness certainly does not come from fear.
I wish this was one of those things that could be solved with an epiphany. A simple, A-ha! moment. But this is a way of life I've settled myself in and it's going to take some time to dig out. Time well spent, I think. The fearful life has crippled me. It's taught me to think I'm incapable or that my hopes of changing the world are out of reach. False. I will change the world. Fear will not win.
Christmas was such a great reminder of God's call to not be afraid. How many times have we heard the story? The phrase? To Mary before she conceives. To the shepherds in their fields. "Do not be afraid." In a boat amidst a storm. To a mother asking for her daughter's healing. The Bible tells us time and time again how Jesus wanted no part in fear. Then to be home with my family. To see my parents giving so much of their time and resources to bring light and hope wherever they can. To be around my sister who, in my mind, knows no fear. She's the picture of courage to me. I love her. I love all of them. Good, good people. And such remarkable examples of living unafraid. How must fear be keeping me from the deep, deep peace of life lived in the unwavering courage of the Lord? I know it is. I feel it. I fight it.
These days I'm praying for courage. Praying that the Lord throws something our way that is totally unexpected and uncomfortable and that we see it as step past fear. It is not that I live a life cowering in the corner. No, this fear is more of a nagging in the back of my mind. An excuse to not do as much as I could, to not be as vulnerable. And I won't have it. I won't listen to the world telling me to be careful. To watch out for the latest scare. Scare me world! I'm not afraid! ... hmm too much, maybe? Nah.
Dear Fear, I'm planning on changing the world for the Lord so just go ahead and move along. Thanks.
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2 comments:
I love you so much. Love your spirit and love the way you can so honestly see yourself and set a course of action. That is a rare gift. I am afraid (no pun intended) that I have contributed to the fear in your heart. I too am committed to banishing fear in my own life. I pray for you all the time but will pray more specifically for courage and am excited to see how God uses you and Ryan too. I've always felt that you have so much to offer the world. With God's help...with God's help. Mom
I have a bit of a fear struggle going on myself. It is strange though because it is only in one area of my life - love. I take all kinds of risks in my life - career, money, change, adventure, etc. Yet when it comes to love I feel like I am crippled by fear. I am actually in love with someone right now, but I am so afraid of losing him that I think I am actually screwing it up and may lose him - due to my own craziness. I know - crazy! So - I too am trying to find ways to leave that fear behind and just love. If I don't I may never truly feel love again - and that's no good. Good Luck on your fear quest!
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