i love christmas.

I love Christmas. I do. I always have. When we were younger, my sister and I used to itch to listen to Christmas music as early as possible. In my home, of course, there were classic albums that were played over and over during the holidays. Really, the only albums we owned. This may have been because we only bought Christmas music during one era of our lives and never got around to getting upgrades or (the more obvious and likely answer) these are the best Christmas albums to ever exist. Hard to say. Nevertheless, Christmas with the Stars 1996, Philips, Craig and Dean: Repeat the Sounding Joy, and the Dominic the Donkey tape are the songs permanently associated with the holidays in my heart. 

I just love the joy of Christmas. I love the way my heart feels so full when my family is together. There is something about the holiday season in America that just makes whatever really awful stuff is going on seem a little less in the forefront of our minds and brings the simply wonderful things to our attention. And it's not that people don't hurt over Christmas. Because I know they do. I know that for some Christmas is a dreaded time of year. But I also know that people are good. And they care for others. And that Christmas is one of the biggest times of year that people look beyond themselves and give to others. I love that too. 

Tonight I got to hear some pretty remarkable Christmas music and all at once I found myself swept away in the beauty of... well, Christmas. Not the holidays and the activities. Not even my family or our traditions. But the fact that Jesus - my Jesus - was born. It might sound silly or cheesy or naive, but the reason I love Christmas is because a baby boy was born and that same tiny little infant grew up into a man that cared so deeply for people that He died for them. For me.  I love the way that music makes my heart and soul stir. The way that I can feel deep inside me the words of these simple, familiar songs. I don't care that I've heard them thousands of times, a thousand different ways... I resonate with them.-- O holy night! The stars are brightly shining! This is the night of our dear Savior's birth. Fall on your knees! Can you hear the angel's voices? What a divine night! This night, when Christ was born. -- I just can't think of a more beautiful way to rejoice in the birth of Jesus. That's all. 

I love that Christmas reminds us to rejoice. To stop what we're doing and take some time to just say words like, Gloria! and Emmanuel! and Hark! Haha. We don't often allow ourselves or find ourselves in a position where it's comfortable to outwardly exclaim that we are so happy that Jesus was born and that he lived and lives still today. And tonight I just loved being swept away in that glory. Hope that's okay with you. And I don't mean to neglect those who experience less than okay holiday seasons for various reason. Because I know how important it is to be actively reaching out and seeing those people, helping them, and telling them that a baby was born so that they could have life. You know? Yeah. I just want to take some time to revel in the blessings of a time of year set aside to remember. Remember Jesus and family and hope and healing. 

A Blessed Christmas Season to you! 

something greater.

Something monumental happened to me this weekend. I hung out with a group of girls. There is really nothing more to it, just that I was invited to and accepted the invitation to watch a movie with a group of girls. It was so good to be able to feel like I was apart of something again. I'll admit I've been hesitant to jump into any sort of friendship here because in my mind that means letting go of some of the dearest people I've ever known. But I can have both. And I do have both. I don't mean to be over-dramatic about something seemingly insignificant, but I'm deciding to outwardly praise God for providing this small stepping stone to hope that I can have a meaningful life here. 

On another note. I just finished reading a note that a friend posted on facebook that really just blessed my heart a little. Don't you love to feel your heart be moved by something? I was struck by the way that my heart felt after reading this note because I realized that it was a feeling that I don't think I have felt in quite some time. I don't know about you, but I have this need to be apart of something greater than myself. Whether it be a body of people or a worthy cause I know that my life was meant to contribute in ways that I'm not really sure of. I was reminded today of how easy it is to be swept away by life's circumstances and start thinking of only my own life's happenings. But there is an entire world that needs us. There are greater things to be a part of. Even just through everyday interaction and conversation. As humans we are constantly contributing to each other's lives. I don't want to do so in a passive and unintentional way. Sometimes I just think it is nice to be reminded that our stuff isn't the only stuff and while it's important to be an active participant in your immediate surroundings there is also so much more. There are people and places that need us. So I am going to start seeking more intently the ways that God has for me to contribute to this life. Maybe it's big. Maybe it's small. But I know that I can't just do nothing.

That may have not made a lot of sense, but I'm hoping for the best. Sometimes blogging doesn't always come as easily as I wish it would. :) Happy Thanksgiving! 

support.

Brace yourself, I'm about to mention the election. As you may well know the United States of America just elected their 44th president who is also the first black man to obtain this highly regarded position. If you don't know... well, yikes! 

Anyway, what an experience it has been. So many new things. One of those things being the large number of young people who got involved. Something this nation hasn't really seen in quite some time. The downside, however, of the young turnout is how irrational and passionate they/we can be. The night of the election Ryan and I spent some time on facebook watching everyone's reaction to the results. Lots of excitement as well as lots of disappointment. For those whose candidate did not win, the comments were less than respectful. I don't mean to generalize, because there were also many people who were gracious in the defeat, but it made me sad to see many of my Christian friends speak so hateful towards another person. And what really gets me is that many of these people speak this way because of the example shown to them in their own homes. Parents teach their kids to be hateful, to speak hatefully. When did it ever become acceptable for Christians especially to speak so terribly about or to other people under the name of politics? People are saying things like, "There goes all my money to people who don't work for it!" What a tragedy that this is the life we've claimed as the people that were called to live a selfless and love-filled life. Angry at the president-elect because of our money being taken away. But... I thought it was God's money? Is that incorrect? The attitude of being deserving of things of this earth is a very backwards one in my mind. Regardless of who I supported in this election, as an American I choose to support our new president. Because that's what brings unity and peace to a nation. 

Aside from the election, I had the amazing opportunity to give Nampa a surprise visit this last week. Probably the best trip ever AND I got Aimee good. Classic. I miss all those kiddies in Idaho, but thank you for a wonderful visit. It was just what I needed. Peace dudes. 

give me jesus.

I had the interesting experience this weekend of hearing a song and having it comfort me in a completely different way than it did the last time I can recall. Isn't it interesting how life often occurs in cycles like that? We visited a church on Sunday that... well, it wasn't great. However, this song that I'm referring to was sung and it was quite fitting for the time of year that it is. 

I'll just get right down to it. 5 years ago this weekend my brother's best friend died. An event that truly changed his and our entire family's lives forever. For the first time this anniversary of his death has felt like a lot of time has past. I was 15 and now I'm married. Crazy. Anyway, Scott and I sang a song called, Give Me Jesus at his funeral and that's the song they sang yesterday at this church. I was listening to the song later in the day, thinking about those days after Ryan died. Those were sad days, hard days. But what an extraordinary journey it has been and how faithfully present Jesus has been through it all. I praise God for the times that I can look back on my life and see His provisions along the way. 

Aside from Ryan, that song sang new words to me yesterday. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me. Feelings of loneliness have seemed somewhat overwhelming from time to time. To be honest, God has felt far away too. But in the words of that song I was reminded how Jesus is near every step of the way. There will be hard days. There are hard days. And I will keep going. Until one day I can look back and say the same thing I said above about how I'm feeling right now. God will provide. He always has. God will provide. He always has. 

In the morning when I rise, when I am alone, and when I come to die, give me Jesus. 

habits of husbands.

Oh Ryan. Sometimes he just does the funniest things. This last weekend I had to work so he was left to his own devices while I was gone. When I got home he had so very thoughtfully cleaned the whole house AND put the rest of the things that weren't on the walls up on the walls. Isn't that amazing!? You have no idea how much of a difference this has made in our home. It's so much cleaner and more peaceful... everything off the floor...just lovely.

But this isn't about that. This is about the way that Ryan cleans. He is truly an incredible housekeeper. He's super thorough and so much of a perfectionist that everything ends up just as it should be when he's done. BUT he has this tragic flaw. He hides and stows. As shown in this picture above. This is Ryan's sock drawer. Inside this sock drawer is everything that used to be on top of our dresser, but didn't belong including: painting tape, napkins my mom bought me, a returned wedding thank you, a card from aimee, and a deck of cards. So as I am putting the laundry away I open his drawer and just start laughing because of the contents of the drawer. Classic Ryan. When you look at a glance everything is perfect, when you search within everything is just tucked away... but neatly. 

I just thought everyone might appreciate this. Husbands are funny sometimes. Funny but nice. 

one of those movies.

If you know me at all you probably know that there are certain movies that have become staples in my life. They're either movies that you've probably watched with my entire family if you have ever visited my home or they're movies that I know by heart and turn on to just listen to because I already know exactly what's happening on screen. One of those movies... is You've Got Mail. Boy do I love that movie. 

But beyond my love for that movie and at the risk of sounding like an absolute moron, I've thought about a certain part in that movie more than once in the last two weeks. (I wasn't going to go through all of this, but I decided to explain my love for the movie in case someone came up to me later telling me that my thoughts resembled a movie they had seen). Anyway, living here has been tough. Being away from the people that I love and the places that I know is not necessarily something that I wanted to happen. I never saw myself leaving. But I did. And in the past couple of weeks being away has become increasingly difficult. So, here is where the movie comes in. There is a part in that movie after Meg Ryan has lost her business and she's saying how people always tell you that change is a good thing, but all they are really saying is that something you didn't want to happen happened and there's really nothing you can do about it. And then she says this, "The truth is, I'm heartbroken." (Man, I'm really setting myself up to look like a big cheeseball). But the truth is that I have been heartbroken. There have been days, maybe weeks where all I want to do is go back home. When I think about all the people in Nampa that know me. That miss me. It makes living in Kansas seem so pointless. Why live in place where no one cares who I am? 

Unfortunately, this story doesn't really have an incredible epiphany at the end. We did get the chance to visit home a week ago, however, and loved every second of it. It was wonderful seeing everyone. And hard to leave them behind. BUT there is hope. I have to believe that God would never send us to a place and not provide any sort of connection to the wonderful people who I'm sure live somewhere in this state. So we're going to wait patiently and openly for some really great friends and keep repeating this from Romans, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

i rule.

I realized something about myself a couple nights ago while hanging out with some people at our apartment's pool. I've been there a couple times and there are allllways people drinking like crazy. It's really quite funny because these people just hang out at the pool literally all day long. Just drinking away. My reaction to all of this was/is this has to be against the rules. 

There's a big sign posted on one of the fences of the pool that has the "Pool Policies" on it and I have been wanting to go read it for a while now. I wanna see what it says about drinking.... and just overall pool conduct, you know... anything I might need to be aware of. I haven't had the chance to read it though because there are always people sitting in front of it and I don't want to be that nerd so I just stay on my chair and play it cool. No big deal. 

But here's my big realization: I live for rules. Truthfully, this is not a brand new realization for me, but the magnitude to which I abide by rules dawned on me the other night in the pool. My friends were jumping of the part of the pool that pours into a lower pool and I was watching them thinking, "I bet they're not supposed to be doing that." Then I laughed at myself because I figured that most people in life don't seek out the rules so that they may be followed. They probably just keep doing things until someone says they can't... and then they stop... maybe. They probably don't ask for copies of their lease contract and read it several times to be sure they're doing everything right. 

This whole sequence of thoughts just made me laugh a little. I was just thinking about my desire to read those pool policies and not having the opportunity to was making me antsy. I should probably try and let go a little. Or maybe just continue my need for rules that is like a silent glue that holds my life together. Hard to say. :)