contribution.

I'm such a bad blogger! It's been so long since I've last posted. I'm very sorry about that. But it's hard to write when I'm not feeling very inspired. And you don't want to just hear a bunch of my ramblings because let me tell you they are not very amusing. But seriously, hey. How are ya?

So much has happened in my life in the last month and a half. It's sort of hard to believe! I'm sure most of you know already, but I'll share anyway. As a graphic design major I was required to complete an internship and I found one at a design firm downtown Kansas City called The Collaboration. Really, I had a hard time finding anyplace that would take me or that was even hiring in this tough economy so I landed here sort of as a last resort and pretty randomly. I was doing some outrageously tedious work called COBing (literally, cutting out background) of very expensive jewelry. Anyway, when I had completed my required hours one of my bosses called me in and offered me a job as a part-time employee! Who knew?? It completely caught me off guard, but I totally accepted and now I'm an official employee of a really great firm. I've been working crazy amounts of overtime in the last few weeks working on a big project. Thus, my lack of blogging. Truly though, this job has been an incredible blessing. Remember how I talked a while ago about how God always provides. Well. He does. He did. He is. Financially, this job could not have come at a more needed time for Ryan and I. Praise the Lord for that!

Part of what I've learned already from this job and from a couple of other encounters is that a part of my soul is being nourished in a way that it hasn't been in a really long time. I'm meaningfully contributing to people's lives. I have had the really blessed opportunity to have some good conversations with friends about life and love and living. Those are things I live for. Being able to share my life in ways that help people know that whatever they're experiencing now isn't the end of the road. I suppose I've been at such a desolate place in my own heart that reaching out to others hasn't been on the top of my to-do list, but finally coming out on the other side of that has allowed me to be... me. The me I'm used to having around at least. And even thought these conversations I've had meant a lot to the other person they also put a piece of my heart back together I guess. I say this like I knew it all along. I didn't. I didn't know until I felt that hint of restoration that these meaningful contributions were some of the very fibers that kept my quality of life in tact. That keep my heart pumping. It just feels good to share and confide and relate with someone. I don't think that is an accident.

I love to know that I'm still learning. I would be scared to think I'd gotten it all down. I say it a lot, but I'll say it again: the Lord is faithful. A constant. A comfort. And I couldn't do a darn thing without Him.

my life according to copeland.

This was on my friend Jolleen's blog. Looked like fun so I thought I'd give it a try. She used the band Eisley (who I am also a huge fan of). I chose Copeland - one of my dependable favorites.

The goal:

Use only the titles of songs of ONE ARTIST or BAND and cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat songs.

Describe yourself:

I'm a Sucker For A Kind Word

How do you feel:

Hold Nothing Back

Describe where you live:

Where's My Head

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

Another Day in Paradise

Your favorite form of transportation:

Kite

Your best friend is:

There Cannot Be a Close Second

You and your best friends are:

The Brightest

What's the weather like:

Careful Now

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:

You Have My Attention

What is life to you:

Testing the Strong Ones

Your greatest fear:

No One Really Wins

What is the best advice you have to give:

Take Care

Thought for the Day:

Choose the One Who Loves You More

How I would like to die:

Sleep

My soul's present condition:

Coming Around Again

My motto:

Love is a Fast Song

Well, there you go!

power to the people.

Blogging, I'm sure, is most effective when the topic presented is as fresh on a person's mind as possible. This literally just happened to me. Therefore, I must blog. I just had a completely bi-polar sequence of events transpire. Let me expand.

After dropping Ryan off at work after dinner so he could finish up some things I decided to drop by Barnes and Noble to see if I could use up what was left of a gift card I have burning a hole in my pocket. I, like many, could literally spend hours in this store. It's overwhelming. I feel like my brain is on total overload when I'm there. I want to look at every book cover.... So pretty. I want to design these book covers. I want to be this good. I'm better than some of them. I love the way the pages feel. Then it's, what kind of book would be best to spend a gift card on? Look at this novel! It's probably good. What if it's not? A cookbook! This looks like good food. I don't think I'd cook half of this food. I need more pictures. I'll never have those ingredients in my home. A whole book on soup? 30 minute meals? Gourmet chef? Then needing some stability I go back to the stationery. I love the way the cards look. I want to own every journal. I should journal more. I want to design cards. Ahhh... peace.

My conclusion at the end of my Barnes and Noble experience (at which I left empty-handed) was that I felt so empowered! Don't you love to feel empowered? I do. It's the same feeling I get when I go to a craft or fabric store. I see all of these things that can be combined to create millions of awesome things and I want to do it all! I want to build and create and sew. I can, you know? It's just an empty afternoon away. Then I go to B & N and I remember how much I enjoy reading and want to read my life away! I want to teach myself and be enlightened about so many things. Even leaving empty handed I was not left feeling lacking. I felt empowered! I was probably actually smiling as I left. I was ready to change the world.

Perhaps, I knowingly chose to go to Barnes and Noble because I knew I was headed to Wal-Mart afterwards for a few things. It's hard to say really, but at Wal-Mart I ended up and boy was it a zoo. Wal-mart is the opposite of Barnes and Noble. It does not leave you feeling empowered. In fact, more times than not it leaves you feeling very, very defeated. Now. I love school supplies. Buy me a new pen and I'm as happy as a clam. However, I do not love back to school shopping. I made the regrettable mistake of entering the Back to School section and I nearly lost my life to several flying binders, runaway carts, and tiny children obscuring the walkway. What was I even doing there?! I don't need school supplies right now? It's 9:30 on a monday night! Go home! Quickly after this realization I exited the area and continued on to what I was there to do in the first place. I grabbed what I needed and needlessly lingered a little more looking at things I didn't need (but had coupons for!). Of course, my entire journey conveniently matched up with another families shopping trip in which all 9 of their under 8 year old children were running amuck in the aisles playing guns and touching every thing they could screaming, "Mommy I need this! Mommy!!" At this point, I'm laughing. Probably out loud. Because I'm thinking about Ryan and how if he were there at that moment he would be out of his mind infuriated. His lips would be pursed, his arms would be crossed and he would be hardly saying a word for fear that he lash out at the innocent children (and nobody wants that). Anyway, I headed to the checkout to save what was left of my previously peaceful evening.

But wait. Here's where it just all comes together. There I am in the 10 items or less line holding a bit more than I can comfortably hold plus a half gallon of milk that is getting awfully cold on my arm. Finally, I make it to a piece of the counter so I can set some things down. And then it's my turn. And right at that second, after waiting at least 10 minutes in line I realize I have left my wallet in the car. That's right. I tell the girl nevermind, she says she'll hold the things if I'd like, I say okay I'll be right back and out I go. Unbelievable. But I gotta say, God bless that cashier. After returning she rang me up and reminded me that I was holding coupons earlier. And then, of course, one of the coupons said I needed two of the items, not one, to get the discount. The blessed girl just rang me up for two and let me go grab one on my way out.

SO. You can see the emotional roller coaster I've just been through. Can't you? Nevertheless, God bless that Wal-mart cashier. She wasn't even mad at me. And I wasn't even mad at Wal-mart. I'm still on an empowered high!

Hope you find something to empower you this week. Probably wise to steer clear of Wal-mart afterward though.

justified.

My what an incredibly busy month of July! Seems like a whirlwind! I got to see my wonderful sister and her darling son for a whole week. Then the week after that my best friend Jordan and his girlfriend Rebecca came to visit, which was so fun to be able to show them around. After that my mom came to help with the wedding and at the end of that week my lovely, lovely sister-in-law got married! I can't even believe all of that was crammed into one month! All of that to say that blogging was shifted down the list of priorities, but never fear... here I am again

I've been thinking about justification. How we all do it or we cause others to do it. How it's really this vicious cycle of proving yourself. How it can be really hurtful. And really demeaning. And how I don't want to have any part of it.

Now, probably not all justification is bad, but the kind I'm talking about are those situations where your small ways of life feel threatened and you begin defending and explaining it to another person as a way to say that what you're doing is not, in fact, as this person says it is. Do you know what I mean? I found myself in more than one of these situations recently and after it was all said and done I was left feeling really discouraged with my insides sort of upside down. Why do people feel like that need to say things in a way that make other people feel like they're wrong? And why do I feel like I need to defend that stuff? It's probably a bit of a testimony to my insecurities, but it's also just annoying. I wish I were strong enough to just say, I do what I do man. Sometimes I am, but recently I guess I haven't been. (To be clear I'm talking about things like, "Why would you ever put blue mirrors on a brown wall?" to which I reply, "Well... uhh... I dunno.. I like blue.. I thought it looked nice?").

It's a funny thing moving to a brand new place. It disorients you in a lot of ways. I left Nampa feeling fairly confident in knowing who I was and where my place in the world was. There was really nothing to fear. That was the life I had made for myself because for too many years in the past I felt lonely, unlovable, and inadequate. And finding my place in Nampa wasn't just a coping mechanism or a lie to hide my insecurity -- I did find who I was. I found my worth in Jesus. I read a book one summer that was a version of Brennan Manning's Abba's Child and there was a part of that book that said, "Define yourself radically as one totally loved by God." I realized that my worth wasn't what the world told me it was, but what God knew all along. Anyway, the funny thing about moving is that all the security I had is gone and I'm left feeling an awful lot like I did a lot of years ago. I'll tell you, it has caught me off guard to realize that is what has happened. I thought I was through with low self-esteem a long time ago - that's kid stuff. But here I am. Often questioning my value, justifying my actions and worrying about how I'm perceived by others.

Please don't take this for what it is not - a plea for a pick-me-up. It's mainly just for me. So that I can outwardly acknowledge what is going on in my heart. The devil likes to pick on this part of my life. It likes to eat at my self worth until it's gone. And sometimes I think it's just as important to acknowledge that as it is to acknowledge that the Lord is mightier than it all. He is. The interesting thing is that I just told you how I found my worth in God. How I read that I can define myself as being totally loved by God. But sometimes even when we know the truth it's hard to find. So I'm working on it. Trying to not be tricked by the devil and led to believe that I'm not good enough. I know that I am. Deep down I know. But right now that's hard to see.

And that is what's on my heart right now. Hope summer is finding you all well and happy! I can't wait to buy school supplies!

some truth.

Who's up for a trip back to africa? Just thought of it today and want to go back. So I thought I'd post a picture. Anyway....

I think I've always been a little grown-up for my age. Being the youngest gives me certain advantages that the other kids didn't have and one of those is a perspective of life that is a little... wiser maybe or more long-term than others my age. Anyway, sometimes I go through things I've written and other miscellaneous items and I'm always amazed at some of the things I have said. And I find it so interesting that I find these things when I need them the most and it always catches me off guard. 

In the last couple years of high school I wrestled a lot with my spirituality and my religion. This crazy boy in my life challenged a lot of things that I accepted as truth for all my years. Everyone goes through this stage of life. The transition between your knowing your parent's truths and finding your own. So after months and maybe years of sorting these feelings out I decided that I wanted to write down what I believed. I wanted to be able to form complete, concrete thoughts about all the things I believed in. The reason I'm bringing this up now is because I just found the file on my computer and it was really good for me to read it again. If you're ever lookin for a bit of a challenge I'd encourage you to write down what you believe. It's harder than you think. 

I thought I'd share a couple of the things I found. Because... that's what we do. We share with each other. So here you go. 

I believe that God is the one, true Savior. He died because of His passionate, intense love for His people, He was the ultimate sacrifice for our sin and remains that sacrifice today. I believe that while on earth, Jesus’ main goal was to love all people, regardless of who they were. This love also set an example for all followers to come. Our deepest mission is to Love each other.

In a generation and movement that are so focused on love I believe that there are some things missing. I think the general mission of being able to love everyone around us and accept everyone is an excellent one, but love without God is empty. As Christians we are to love like Jesus did and in that love we give God the credit, the glory. Too many times people leave out God when He should be the goal. Love alone does not bring a world together in Christ, Love through God does. 

I believe in forgiveness. I believe that God desires for us to come to Him with everything, unashamed. God can give us new life and when we come to Him with our crap He can take it all away. However, I believe that along with God’s forgiveness there has to be restoration. We have to allow ourselves to be healed and work to grow from our past. Forgiveness can only truly begin to take shape in our lives if we allow it to transform us to become the people God made us to be.

I am a Christian. I claim Christianity not as a group of people with restrictions and a precise set of beliefs, but as one that is focused on becoming more and more like Christ. To be a Christian is to live like Jesus lived. I love what Rob Bell says, “Christian is a great noun, but a terrible adjective.”  I want my actions to reflect those of Christ’s. It would be truly incredible if Christianity could be transformed to look more like Christ and less like… it is now. 

The last one seemed to call out to me this week because sometimes I think I avoid the label of Christian at risk of people to thinking I'm some sort of crazy person all tied up in religion. But then to never claim that I am Christian - that is, a Christ-follower - I run the risk of living my whole life without people knowing that I do what I do and I am what I am because of my Savior's deep, deep love for me. You know? 

It was good to hear my 2006-self say those words. It gave me a sense of renewal and I appreciate that. 

interstate 435.

I was running around the other day doing some errands and the craziest thing happened. I was on one side of town and needed to get to the other side, so what did I do? I hopped on the 435 and was there in no time. What's the big deal, right? I'll tell ya! I don't drive on the freeway as an everyday means of transportation. In fact, altogether in the last year this was the 4th time I've driven on the freeway. For one, there are like 3 freeways here compared to the one in Idaho. So I've been at risk of getting on one and taking myself to who knows where. Two, these freeways don't just go in one straight line like I-84. They're all big and there are all these things you have to do to insure that you're not accidentally getting on one freeway from another. It's all a big t0-do really. So you can see why I stick to surface streets, right? But not the other day. The other day I took the dive. 

After I was done with my errands, almost back to my house I realized that what I did was pretty major. Part of my not going on the freeway I think was in part of little bit of me just rejecting all things Kansas. It sounds silly, I'm sure, that a roadway system is infiltrating my thoughts this much. But just deciding to brave the freeway and be a real kansan felt like I was starting to get over all that silly stuff.  And mainly what I realized is that I'm happy here for right now and I think I've been happy for a while. It has just been hard to embrace that because how do you embrace happiness here while still remembering it there? Do you understand what I mean? Maybe it's a silly train of though since I should just be happy about being happy. There is just something inside of me that is afraid of forgetting Idaho. Because I love Idaho. And I still miss it terribly. I miss my family and my friends and my school. But I like living here. What I really want is for the two to be one, you see? I don't see an issue with that. :) 

This is me on a good day of course. Somedays are not good days and I want to go back to Idaho and forget about this whole thing. But right now I am thankful for this frame of mind. I've loved having Aimee home for the summer. It's so nice to have a friend! That is our next step - finding friends. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this and have said a prayer for Ryan and I as we've struggled to find our place here. Please continue to pray for us because we're not done yet! 

Hope you're having a wonderful summer. Come visit! 

here here!

Well my friends, Ryan and I are about to head to Idaho to witness the marriage of my best friends. I can't even believe this is about to happen! I'm so excited. I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into my life with Leah and Louie. I love them both and hope the return from Mexico WITHOUT swine flu. Please.