coming home.

As many of you know and as I mentioned last time, Ryan and I are homeowners now! We bought our first house in March and have been busy, busy, busy making it our own. It feels so good. So adult. And isn't she a beauty?

Needless to say, life has changed quite a bit since we've moved in. Readjusting to new commutes, finding new grocery stores and meeting the neighbors. We're really settling in to our new community pretty well. And I just can't help feeling so blessed.

In the last 2 years "home" has changed a lot for me - as you may well know - and this house represents some pretty remarkable accomplishments in my life this far. 2 years ago I was heart broken. I left the only home I've ever really known where my family and some of the most dearest, sweetest people I grew up with were and moved to a place where no one had any idea who I was. I can recall laying in bed with a very heavy, deep ache in my heart wondering if I'd ever find joy again. For that part of life, home was in our apartment in Overland Park. And eventually that was okay. We made some really wonderful memories there as a newlywed couple.

And here we are now. In a new home. A home that will likely be the place we bring our first child to. Where we'll hang our first Christmas lights up on. And where we hope lots of people come to find love and community.

There is beauty in this transition for me.

I will say this a thousand times. God has provided. God does provide. It's not that He provided this house. It's that He provided a light to my path. That in my loneliest days He reached down and brought me the hope of things to come and the joy of the home I will always, always have in Nampa, Idaho.

My cup is overflowing.

a word on fear. again.

A two month blog absence? That hardly seems possible. I really do enjoy writing on my blog, but I will admit that it gets bumped down on my list of priorities fairly quickly. Truth be told, I'm a homeowner now! And I've got homeowner business to attend to! Nevertheless. I will blog-on.

You might be curious about some Lent follow-up. So. I'll tell ya. I've thought about how to put this into words that sound really great, but every time I sit down to do so all I can come up with are pretty ordinary sounding ones. So ordinary it is.

I gave up fear arrogantly. I thought my very act of sacrifice and intentional focus on God's protection and reign over my life would solve all my troubles. What I didn't consider was the underlying issue. I didn't consider that my Lenten plan, maybe wasn't the same one the Lord had in mind. He knows my heart so much better than I do. Haven't I figured that out by now?

In my journey past fear I found disbelief. I found myself doubting that God would protect me at all. My life's experience has shown me that things just happen sometimes. Death, hurt, depression. Happens to everyone. I'm not exempt. I felt conflicted that just because I called out to God he would swoop in and save me from danger. Why would He do that for me? Who am I to be saved?

As with many things in life, I had to make a decision. Just like following Christ and believing that He is Truth is a choice, a decision -- so is believing that He called us to not be afraid and living a life that embraces those words. The beauty of these last couple of weeks has been that I have been so incredibly busy that I haven't even had time to be afraid! That may sound silly, but it's true. I've come to realize that spending too much time dormant and stuck inside my tiny little home allows for a lot of time to become paranoid and think up crazy scenarios that are highly unlikely to play out. God did indeed create us to be active members of society. And it has been such a blessing to be busy and exhausted the last month.

Do I still get afraid when I shower? Yes. Do I jump at noises downstairs in the night? Yes. But I do believe that the Lord is with me. That whatever comes I will endure because He is faithful. He is my provider. If I believe that in all other circumstances, then it is true even in my fear.

lent.

Oh draw me Lord

And I'll run after You

I'm inspired by music quite a bit. This occasion is no exception. As I'm sure you're all aware, the Lenten season has begun. To be honest, I forgot about Lent this year. It just sorta snuck up on me, but since I remembered I have been having a tough time knowing what to focus on. Last year's sacrifice was so meaningful to me (see it here) and coming up with something equally as moving has felt a little out of reach.

Today I found it. Through a suggestion by my own mother (and you think I don't hear you sometimes....). After explaining her own focus this year she offered that mine might be giving up fear. A novel concept blogged about by myself just two posts below. Why didn't I think of it? Well. I didn't. But sometimes we just don't come up with the great ideas by ourselves. So this year my Lenten sacrifice is fear. And in its place I'll look to the Lord. Hold tight to His security.

But back to the music. Tonight I was hopping in the shower and I was afraid. Ryan isn't home and taking showers while he is gone is one of my most vulnerable points of fear. I can't see. I can't hear. I don't like it. But I have this system. I know exactly what doors to keep open and what lights to keep on so I have a good visual if I need to. I know that if I look in the reflection of the shower tile I can see the bathroom door. And I usually keep the shower curtain open just as an extra precaution. Isn't all that so silly? You're all laughing at me, aren't you? I know. I know. But tonight I had that all lined up and then I remembered the conversation with my mom and I decided to not be afraid.

Oh draw me Lord

And I'll run after You

That's the song I listened to. Draw me Lord and I'll run after you. Even if where you go is scary. Even if where you are is uncomfortable. Just draw me to You. Pretty powerful words. I'd say. And while singing these words didn't eliminate my fear, they did give me hope that I will live unafraid one day.

As I look to Him for strength and peace I trust that He is drawing me near. And i will always run after Him. Always.

for haiti.

Haiti has obviously been in the hearts and minds of most these last couple of weeks. The needs are great and our ability to help is fairly limited. Such a devastating time. So, with that in our hearts, we were able to do something really cool on Sunday that I've never done before. We worshipped on Haiti's behalf.

We sang for the people that were too weak to speak.

We praised the Lord for the people who survived.

We shouted for the people whose despair is so deep.

And I gotta tell ya. It was powerful. At first, it seemed a little foreign. Maybe cheesy or something. But as the service went on it felt really right. You know? Like the Lord heard us. As I thought about each of the people affected by the earthquake I thought about how their state of mind probably wasn't in a place to be singing songs in worship to God, but ours is. And how amazing is it that as fellow creations of Him we can lift each other up, be strong when others are weak? The beauty of life on this earth is that we're not alone. So we just sang. All night long. We sang for Haiti.

He loves them

Oh how he loves them

Oh how he loves them

Oh how he loves

Maybe I could encourage you to do the same. See what it stirs in your heart as the words you sing in worship are for the suffering.

fear not.

I aspire to be great in my life. But great how, I wonder? From the moment I could understand the concept of having purpose I knew that my life could be meaningful, influential in some way. I know that I'm strong. That I have a heart for justice. For peace. But what's it for?

Perhaps the real issue is not what it is I'm supposed to be doing, but what is standing in the way of me getting anywhere. In the last few months it has become evident that the biggest thing keeping my head from even thinking about changing the world is fear. I live a fearful life. And it kills me. I'm a little embarrassed to even say it. Some where along the way I've taught myself to be afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of consequences. Afraid of death. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of rejection.

Greatness certainly does not come from fear.

I wish this was one of those things that could be solved with an epiphany. A simple, A-ha! moment. But this is a way of life I've settled myself in and it's going to take some time to dig out. Time well spent, I think. The fearful life has crippled me. It's taught me to think I'm incapable or that my hopes of changing the world are out of reach. False. I will change the world. Fear will not win.

Christmas was such a great reminder of God's call to not be afraid. How many times have we heard the story? The phrase? To Mary before she conceives. To the shepherds in their fields. "Do not be afraid." In a boat amidst a storm. To a mother asking for her daughter's healing. The Bible tells us time and time again how Jesus wanted no part in fear. Then to be home with my family. To see my parents giving so much of their time and resources to bring light and hope wherever they can. To be around my sister who, in my mind, knows no fear. She's the picture of courage to me. I love her. I love all of them. Good, good people. And such remarkable examples of living unafraid. How must fear be keeping me from the deep, deep peace of life lived in the unwavering courage of the Lord? I know it is. I feel it. I fight it.

These days I'm praying for courage. Praying that the Lord throws something our way that is totally unexpected and uncomfortable and that we see it as step past fear. It is not that I live a life cowering in the corner. No, this fear is more of a nagging in the back of my mind. An excuse to not do as much as I could, to not be as vulnerable. And I won't have it. I won't listen to the world telling me to be careful. To watch out for the latest scare. Scare me world! I'm not afraid! ... hmm too much, maybe? Nah.

Dear Fear, I'm planning on changing the world for the Lord so just go ahead and move along. Thanks.

just do it.

Do you ever wonder if the person you perceive yourself as is the same person the world sees you as? Like, do you have ideas about the way you feel towards humanity, but then wonder if anyone else could point that out about you? I do.

I was sitting in my car the other day and a song came on the radio that caught my attention. I wasn't feeling particularly insightful or contemplative at the moment, but all of a sudden I was really struck by the words of this song. The song talked about following God into the darkness and to the broken. I'll be honest that when I first heard the words I thought, "Yeah, that's how it should be. That's how I am." Arrogant, right? I'm sure the "authentic Christian" would probably tell you how they were immediately aware of their inadequacies, but there I was thinking how I was just like this song was saying - always helping and loving people. That those ideals are my ideals.

But then I thought, what if no one else knows that? As I sat there I thought about who I am to other people and what in my actions may tell people that I'm gung-ho about following Jesus into the darkness. Couldn't think of anything. It's true that following Christ through life and bringing hope to the most hopeless places is a deep desire of my heart, but the truth is I haven't done much about that. I haven't jumped at the first chance to spend time doing something that tells another person that they are so loved by The One Most Dear. I haven't even jumped at the second chance. Or third. I've actually been pretty good at letting the music do that for me. Like, as long as I'm singing it it's the truth!

Singing along with the song just doesn't cut it. That's the thing. Life is certainly full of transitional phases and one of those is from college to adulthood. I might argue that the 4 years of college plus two extra years proceeding are just one big transition, but certainly finding a way to settle into a life completely void of class schedules, organized chapels, and prepared meals takes some time. And so here I am in that post-college life making all kinds of excuses why I haven't taken time to contribute to the life of someone in a hopeless situation. I want to be done making excuses about that. I want to commit. We've been doing all kinds of church hopping in the last several months, but have finally decided to land at one and do everything in our power to involve ourselves in their community. I'm so afraid to take the dive sometimes, you know? I think about my parents as this age and realize that they were these great leaders in their small church in their first years of marriage. But I'm realizing now that I just have to do it. Just do it. Like Nike.

So we're going to a church called The Gathering. And it's exciting. And it's new. And we're praying like crazy that the Lord brings us some joy in the much needed form of friends. We've decided that we're not gonna sit on the back row and see what we think, but we're going to dive right in and start participating in some of the great things they're doing for the community. It's so simple. But then, most things are. It just takes a while for us silly ol' human beings to figure it out sometimes.

Sorry for the long blog and the long blog absence! Happy fall!!

contribution.

I'm such a bad blogger! It's been so long since I've last posted. I'm very sorry about that. But it's hard to write when I'm not feeling very inspired. And you don't want to just hear a bunch of my ramblings because let me tell you they are not very amusing. But seriously, hey. How are ya?

So much has happened in my life in the last month and a half. It's sort of hard to believe! I'm sure most of you know already, but I'll share anyway. As a graphic design major I was required to complete an internship and I found one at a design firm downtown Kansas City called The Collaboration. Really, I had a hard time finding anyplace that would take me or that was even hiring in this tough economy so I landed here sort of as a last resort and pretty randomly. I was doing some outrageously tedious work called COBing (literally, cutting out background) of very expensive jewelry. Anyway, when I had completed my required hours one of my bosses called me in and offered me a job as a part-time employee! Who knew?? It completely caught me off guard, but I totally accepted and now I'm an official employee of a really great firm. I've been working crazy amounts of overtime in the last few weeks working on a big project. Thus, my lack of blogging. Truly though, this job has been an incredible blessing. Remember how I talked a while ago about how God always provides. Well. He does. He did. He is. Financially, this job could not have come at a more needed time for Ryan and I. Praise the Lord for that!

Part of what I've learned already from this job and from a couple of other encounters is that a part of my soul is being nourished in a way that it hasn't been in a really long time. I'm meaningfully contributing to people's lives. I have had the really blessed opportunity to have some good conversations with friends about life and love and living. Those are things I live for. Being able to share my life in ways that help people know that whatever they're experiencing now isn't the end of the road. I suppose I've been at such a desolate place in my own heart that reaching out to others hasn't been on the top of my to-do list, but finally coming out on the other side of that has allowed me to be... me. The me I'm used to having around at least. And even thought these conversations I've had meant a lot to the other person they also put a piece of my heart back together I guess. I say this like I knew it all along. I didn't. I didn't know until I felt that hint of restoration that these meaningful contributions were some of the very fibers that kept my quality of life in tact. That keep my heart pumping. It just feels good to share and confide and relate with someone. I don't think that is an accident.

I love to know that I'm still learning. I would be scared to think I'd gotten it all down. I say it a lot, but I'll say it again: the Lord is faithful. A constant. A comfort. And I couldn't do a darn thing without Him.