for haiti.

Haiti has obviously been in the hearts and minds of most these last couple of weeks. The needs are great and our ability to help is fairly limited. Such a devastating time. So, with that in our hearts, we were able to do something really cool on Sunday that I've never done before. We worshipped on Haiti's behalf.

We sang for the people that were too weak to speak.

We praised the Lord for the people who survived.

We shouted for the people whose despair is so deep.

And I gotta tell ya. It was powerful. At first, it seemed a little foreign. Maybe cheesy or something. But as the service went on it felt really right. You know? Like the Lord heard us. As I thought about each of the people affected by the earthquake I thought about how their state of mind probably wasn't in a place to be singing songs in worship to God, but ours is. And how amazing is it that as fellow creations of Him we can lift each other up, be strong when others are weak? The beauty of life on this earth is that we're not alone. So we just sang. All night long. We sang for Haiti.

He loves them

Oh how he loves them

Oh how he loves them

Oh how he loves

Maybe I could encourage you to do the same. See what it stirs in your heart as the words you sing in worship are for the suffering.

fear not.

I aspire to be great in my life. But great how, I wonder? From the moment I could understand the concept of having purpose I knew that my life could be meaningful, influential in some way. I know that I'm strong. That I have a heart for justice. For peace. But what's it for?

Perhaps the real issue is not what it is I'm supposed to be doing, but what is standing in the way of me getting anywhere. In the last few months it has become evident that the biggest thing keeping my head from even thinking about changing the world is fear. I live a fearful life. And it kills me. I'm a little embarrassed to even say it. Some where along the way I've taught myself to be afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of consequences. Afraid of death. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of rejection.

Greatness certainly does not come from fear.

I wish this was one of those things that could be solved with an epiphany. A simple, A-ha! moment. But this is a way of life I've settled myself in and it's going to take some time to dig out. Time well spent, I think. The fearful life has crippled me. It's taught me to think I'm incapable or that my hopes of changing the world are out of reach. False. I will change the world. Fear will not win.

Christmas was such a great reminder of God's call to not be afraid. How many times have we heard the story? The phrase? To Mary before she conceives. To the shepherds in their fields. "Do not be afraid." In a boat amidst a storm. To a mother asking for her daughter's healing. The Bible tells us time and time again how Jesus wanted no part in fear. Then to be home with my family. To see my parents giving so much of their time and resources to bring light and hope wherever they can. To be around my sister who, in my mind, knows no fear. She's the picture of courage to me. I love her. I love all of them. Good, good people. And such remarkable examples of living unafraid. How must fear be keeping me from the deep, deep peace of life lived in the unwavering courage of the Lord? I know it is. I feel it. I fight it.

These days I'm praying for courage. Praying that the Lord throws something our way that is totally unexpected and uncomfortable and that we see it as step past fear. It is not that I live a life cowering in the corner. No, this fear is more of a nagging in the back of my mind. An excuse to not do as much as I could, to not be as vulnerable. And I won't have it. I won't listen to the world telling me to be careful. To watch out for the latest scare. Scare me world! I'm not afraid! ... hmm too much, maybe? Nah.

Dear Fear, I'm planning on changing the world for the Lord so just go ahead and move along. Thanks.

just do it.

Do you ever wonder if the person you perceive yourself as is the same person the world sees you as? Like, do you have ideas about the way you feel towards humanity, but then wonder if anyone else could point that out about you? I do.

I was sitting in my car the other day and a song came on the radio that caught my attention. I wasn't feeling particularly insightful or contemplative at the moment, but all of a sudden I was really struck by the words of this song. The song talked about following God into the darkness and to the broken. I'll be honest that when I first heard the words I thought, "Yeah, that's how it should be. That's how I am." Arrogant, right? I'm sure the "authentic Christian" would probably tell you how they were immediately aware of their inadequacies, but there I was thinking how I was just like this song was saying - always helping and loving people. That those ideals are my ideals.

But then I thought, what if no one else knows that? As I sat there I thought about who I am to other people and what in my actions may tell people that I'm gung-ho about following Jesus into the darkness. Couldn't think of anything. It's true that following Christ through life and bringing hope to the most hopeless places is a deep desire of my heart, but the truth is I haven't done much about that. I haven't jumped at the first chance to spend time doing something that tells another person that they are so loved by The One Most Dear. I haven't even jumped at the second chance. Or third. I've actually been pretty good at letting the music do that for me. Like, as long as I'm singing it it's the truth!

Singing along with the song just doesn't cut it. That's the thing. Life is certainly full of transitional phases and one of those is from college to adulthood. I might argue that the 4 years of college plus two extra years proceeding are just one big transition, but certainly finding a way to settle into a life completely void of class schedules, organized chapels, and prepared meals takes some time. And so here I am in that post-college life making all kinds of excuses why I haven't taken time to contribute to the life of someone in a hopeless situation. I want to be done making excuses about that. I want to commit. We've been doing all kinds of church hopping in the last several months, but have finally decided to land at one and do everything in our power to involve ourselves in their community. I'm so afraid to take the dive sometimes, you know? I think about my parents as this age and realize that they were these great leaders in their small church in their first years of marriage. But I'm realizing now that I just have to do it. Just do it. Like Nike.

So we're going to a church called The Gathering. And it's exciting. And it's new. And we're praying like crazy that the Lord brings us some joy in the much needed form of friends. We've decided that we're not gonna sit on the back row and see what we think, but we're going to dive right in and start participating in some of the great things they're doing for the community. It's so simple. But then, most things are. It just takes a while for us silly ol' human beings to figure it out sometimes.

Sorry for the long blog and the long blog absence! Happy fall!!

contribution.

I'm such a bad blogger! It's been so long since I've last posted. I'm very sorry about that. But it's hard to write when I'm not feeling very inspired. And you don't want to just hear a bunch of my ramblings because let me tell you they are not very amusing. But seriously, hey. How are ya?

So much has happened in my life in the last month and a half. It's sort of hard to believe! I'm sure most of you know already, but I'll share anyway. As a graphic design major I was required to complete an internship and I found one at a design firm downtown Kansas City called The Collaboration. Really, I had a hard time finding anyplace that would take me or that was even hiring in this tough economy so I landed here sort of as a last resort and pretty randomly. I was doing some outrageously tedious work called COBing (literally, cutting out background) of very expensive jewelry. Anyway, when I had completed my required hours one of my bosses called me in and offered me a job as a part-time employee! Who knew?? It completely caught me off guard, but I totally accepted and now I'm an official employee of a really great firm. I've been working crazy amounts of overtime in the last few weeks working on a big project. Thus, my lack of blogging. Truly though, this job has been an incredible blessing. Remember how I talked a while ago about how God always provides. Well. He does. He did. He is. Financially, this job could not have come at a more needed time for Ryan and I. Praise the Lord for that!

Part of what I've learned already from this job and from a couple of other encounters is that a part of my soul is being nourished in a way that it hasn't been in a really long time. I'm meaningfully contributing to people's lives. I have had the really blessed opportunity to have some good conversations with friends about life and love and living. Those are things I live for. Being able to share my life in ways that help people know that whatever they're experiencing now isn't the end of the road. I suppose I've been at such a desolate place in my own heart that reaching out to others hasn't been on the top of my to-do list, but finally coming out on the other side of that has allowed me to be... me. The me I'm used to having around at least. And even thought these conversations I've had meant a lot to the other person they also put a piece of my heart back together I guess. I say this like I knew it all along. I didn't. I didn't know until I felt that hint of restoration that these meaningful contributions were some of the very fibers that kept my quality of life in tact. That keep my heart pumping. It just feels good to share and confide and relate with someone. I don't think that is an accident.

I love to know that I'm still learning. I would be scared to think I'd gotten it all down. I say it a lot, but I'll say it again: the Lord is faithful. A constant. A comfort. And I couldn't do a darn thing without Him.

my life according to copeland.

This was on my friend Jolleen's blog. Looked like fun so I thought I'd give it a try. She used the band Eisley (who I am also a huge fan of). I chose Copeland - one of my dependable favorites.

The goal:

Use only the titles of songs of ONE ARTIST or BAND and cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat songs.

Describe yourself:

I'm a Sucker For A Kind Word

How do you feel:

Hold Nothing Back

Describe where you live:

Where's My Head

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

Another Day in Paradise

Your favorite form of transportation:

Kite

Your best friend is:

There Cannot Be a Close Second

You and your best friends are:

The Brightest

What's the weather like:

Careful Now

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:

You Have My Attention

What is life to you:

Testing the Strong Ones

Your greatest fear:

No One Really Wins

What is the best advice you have to give:

Take Care

Thought for the Day:

Choose the One Who Loves You More

How I would like to die:

Sleep

My soul's present condition:

Coming Around Again

My motto:

Love is a Fast Song

Well, there you go!

power to the people.

Blogging, I'm sure, is most effective when the topic presented is as fresh on a person's mind as possible. This literally just happened to me. Therefore, I must blog. I just had a completely bi-polar sequence of events transpire. Let me expand.

After dropping Ryan off at work after dinner so he could finish up some things I decided to drop by Barnes and Noble to see if I could use up what was left of a gift card I have burning a hole in my pocket. I, like many, could literally spend hours in this store. It's overwhelming. I feel like my brain is on total overload when I'm there. I want to look at every book cover.... So pretty. I want to design these book covers. I want to be this good. I'm better than some of them. I love the way the pages feel. Then it's, what kind of book would be best to spend a gift card on? Look at this novel! It's probably good. What if it's not? A cookbook! This looks like good food. I don't think I'd cook half of this food. I need more pictures. I'll never have those ingredients in my home. A whole book on soup? 30 minute meals? Gourmet chef? Then needing some stability I go back to the stationery. I love the way the cards look. I want to own every journal. I should journal more. I want to design cards. Ahhh... peace.

My conclusion at the end of my Barnes and Noble experience (at which I left empty-handed) was that I felt so empowered! Don't you love to feel empowered? I do. It's the same feeling I get when I go to a craft or fabric store. I see all of these things that can be combined to create millions of awesome things and I want to do it all! I want to build and create and sew. I can, you know? It's just an empty afternoon away. Then I go to B & N and I remember how much I enjoy reading and want to read my life away! I want to teach myself and be enlightened about so many things. Even leaving empty handed I was not left feeling lacking. I felt empowered! I was probably actually smiling as I left. I was ready to change the world.

Perhaps, I knowingly chose to go to Barnes and Noble because I knew I was headed to Wal-Mart afterwards for a few things. It's hard to say really, but at Wal-Mart I ended up and boy was it a zoo. Wal-mart is the opposite of Barnes and Noble. It does not leave you feeling empowered. In fact, more times than not it leaves you feeling very, very defeated. Now. I love school supplies. Buy me a new pen and I'm as happy as a clam. However, I do not love back to school shopping. I made the regrettable mistake of entering the Back to School section and I nearly lost my life to several flying binders, runaway carts, and tiny children obscuring the walkway. What was I even doing there?! I don't need school supplies right now? It's 9:30 on a monday night! Go home! Quickly after this realization I exited the area and continued on to what I was there to do in the first place. I grabbed what I needed and needlessly lingered a little more looking at things I didn't need (but had coupons for!). Of course, my entire journey conveniently matched up with another families shopping trip in which all 9 of their under 8 year old children were running amuck in the aisles playing guns and touching every thing they could screaming, "Mommy I need this! Mommy!!" At this point, I'm laughing. Probably out loud. Because I'm thinking about Ryan and how if he were there at that moment he would be out of his mind infuriated. His lips would be pursed, his arms would be crossed and he would be hardly saying a word for fear that he lash out at the innocent children (and nobody wants that). Anyway, I headed to the checkout to save what was left of my previously peaceful evening.

But wait. Here's where it just all comes together. There I am in the 10 items or less line holding a bit more than I can comfortably hold plus a half gallon of milk that is getting awfully cold on my arm. Finally, I make it to a piece of the counter so I can set some things down. And then it's my turn. And right at that second, after waiting at least 10 minutes in line I realize I have left my wallet in the car. That's right. I tell the girl nevermind, she says she'll hold the things if I'd like, I say okay I'll be right back and out I go. Unbelievable. But I gotta say, God bless that cashier. After returning she rang me up and reminded me that I was holding coupons earlier. And then, of course, one of the coupons said I needed two of the items, not one, to get the discount. The blessed girl just rang me up for two and let me go grab one on my way out.

SO. You can see the emotional roller coaster I've just been through. Can't you? Nevertheless, God bless that Wal-mart cashier. She wasn't even mad at me. And I wasn't even mad at Wal-mart. I'm still on an empowered high!

Hope you find something to empower you this week. Probably wise to steer clear of Wal-mart afterward though.

justified.

My what an incredibly busy month of July! Seems like a whirlwind! I got to see my wonderful sister and her darling son for a whole week. Then the week after that my best friend Jordan and his girlfriend Rebecca came to visit, which was so fun to be able to show them around. After that my mom came to help with the wedding and at the end of that week my lovely, lovely sister-in-law got married! I can't even believe all of that was crammed into one month! All of that to say that blogging was shifted down the list of priorities, but never fear... here I am again

I've been thinking about justification. How we all do it or we cause others to do it. How it's really this vicious cycle of proving yourself. How it can be really hurtful. And really demeaning. And how I don't want to have any part of it.

Now, probably not all justification is bad, but the kind I'm talking about are those situations where your small ways of life feel threatened and you begin defending and explaining it to another person as a way to say that what you're doing is not, in fact, as this person says it is. Do you know what I mean? I found myself in more than one of these situations recently and after it was all said and done I was left feeling really discouraged with my insides sort of upside down. Why do people feel like that need to say things in a way that make other people feel like they're wrong? And why do I feel like I need to defend that stuff? It's probably a bit of a testimony to my insecurities, but it's also just annoying. I wish I were strong enough to just say, I do what I do man. Sometimes I am, but recently I guess I haven't been. (To be clear I'm talking about things like, "Why would you ever put blue mirrors on a brown wall?" to which I reply, "Well... uhh... I dunno.. I like blue.. I thought it looked nice?").

It's a funny thing moving to a brand new place. It disorients you in a lot of ways. I left Nampa feeling fairly confident in knowing who I was and where my place in the world was. There was really nothing to fear. That was the life I had made for myself because for too many years in the past I felt lonely, unlovable, and inadequate. And finding my place in Nampa wasn't just a coping mechanism or a lie to hide my insecurity -- I did find who I was. I found my worth in Jesus. I read a book one summer that was a version of Brennan Manning's Abba's Child and there was a part of that book that said, "Define yourself radically as one totally loved by God." I realized that my worth wasn't what the world told me it was, but what God knew all along. Anyway, the funny thing about moving is that all the security I had is gone and I'm left feeling an awful lot like I did a lot of years ago. I'll tell you, it has caught me off guard to realize that is what has happened. I thought I was through with low self-esteem a long time ago - that's kid stuff. But here I am. Often questioning my value, justifying my actions and worrying about how I'm perceived by others.

Please don't take this for what it is not - a plea for a pick-me-up. It's mainly just for me. So that I can outwardly acknowledge what is going on in my heart. The devil likes to pick on this part of my life. It likes to eat at my self worth until it's gone. And sometimes I think it's just as important to acknowledge that as it is to acknowledge that the Lord is mightier than it all. He is. The interesting thing is that I just told you how I found my worth in God. How I read that I can define myself as being totally loved by God. But sometimes even when we know the truth it's hard to find. So I'm working on it. Trying to not be tricked by the devil and led to believe that I'm not good enough. I know that I am. Deep down I know. But right now that's hard to see.

And that is what's on my heart right now. Hope summer is finding you all well and happy! I can't wait to buy school supplies!